Closer: The New Magazine for Moms Who Hate the Kardashians

Wednesday is a great day for older female grocery shoppers who despise young people who aren’t their progeny, because Bauer Publications has launched a new women’s magazine called Closer. As this week is it’s debut, it’s going for only 25 cents. A steal, basically.

The editor-in-chief of the magazine, Annabel Vered, tells the New York Daily News that the magazine is “aiming at the stars that the 40+ woman grew up with. There will be no Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian in Closer.” That’s clear from the first issue: the cover star is…Valerie Harper, who recently left Dancing with the Stars and also revealed that she’s cancer-free, a topic she discusses at length in the first issue of Closer:

After so many months of saying her goodbyes, Valerie arrived for her interview with Closer exulting that she is “signing up for life!”

Sharing the unexpected good news that the test showed her cancer has continued to regress, Valerie tells Closer, “I do believe in miracles.” Still, she candidly admits that, yes, she knows her health situation remains precarious. “It can turn on a dime.”

“She’s well known for the Mary Tyler Moore Show and she was on Dancing with the Stars,” Vered told Ad Week.” She has a whole new group of fans.”

Inside, the magazine apparently features the Kennedys and other actually legitimately royal people, like Prince Harry, Prince George, Kate Middleton, etc etc. The homepage has stories about Judi Dench, Marie Osmond, Nicole Kidman, Lou Reed and Robert De Niro, among others. Also Suzanne Somers, high off of all that sex she has with her husband and her recent Wall Street Journal editorial about how the Affordable Care Act “is a greater Ponzi scheme than that pulled off by Bernie Madoff.” The closest thing to Miley Cyrus is the headline “Pug Dresses As ‘Wrecking Ball’ For Photo Contest.”

Closer already exists in the UK; there, the publication features A LOT of people like Katie Price, if their website today is anything to go off of (it features a huge advertising splash for Price’s new book, plus a homepage article about her) and does not shy away from Kim Kardashian. The French version of the magazine is that one that got in all that trouble for publishing those nudie pictures of Kate Middleton.

Bauer’s secretly most popular publication is Women’s World, which, like Closer, makes most of its money off of newsstand sales, not subscribers or advertisers. You’ve seen Women’s World. It has covers like this:

The publisher of Closer, Marc Richards, thinks that there’s a “sea change” that indicates that the market is ready for a new magazine. “Advertisers are tired of going after 24-year-olds who are unemployed. They want to go to where the money is.” The money is clearly with women who are 40-plus who aren’t reading things like Redbook or Family Circle, both publications which, FYI, don’t have amazing circulation numbers for 2013 so far.

So what kinds of things can you expect to read in this money-making behemeth? Probably a lot of:

Get the Posture Your’ve Always Dreamed Of (For Your Kids!)
Can Women Have It All? Science Says No.
Is Your Dinner Table Turning Into Text-Central? How to Unplug During Family Time
Regis Philbin: The REAL Sexiest Man Alive
Brooke Shields Explains Why You Still Love Her. “I’m Just a Normal Woman.”
The Dangerous World of Salmonella