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Missdemeanors
Harlow Madden Has A "Big, Pasty Head"; Britney's "Ass Is Growing A Beard"
Welcome back to Missdemeanors! This is where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, Christie Brinkely wasn't satisfying her husband; Sienna Miller has three holes; Harlow Madden looks "unfortunate"; Rachel Hunter looks like a "Lesbian Lumberjack Circus Clown" and Britney's ass.... well, she seems to have some hair on it. As so many humans,male or female. Of course, if you're male and the only naked woman you have ever seen was in a porn film, you won't know this. Anyway, folks: It's been another great week of "writing" "gossip" on the Internet. Bloggers' continued degradation of female celebrity bodies and their corresponding punishments, after the jump. Let the Jezebel Justice system begin! More »
pot psychology
"Is It Normal For Straight Girls To Only Like Girl-On-Girl Porn?"
It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the "advice column" in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (Remember, kids: Don't do drugs!) In this episode, Rich and I got help from our pal Sasha Frere-Jones again, to tackle problems like leaky vaginas, syphilis, and boyfriends who drool during oral sex. Got a burning question? Send it to potpsych@jezebel.com. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.)
fine lines
Happy Endings Are All Alike: The Price Of Fault
Welcome to 'Fine Lines', the Friday feature in which we give a sentimental, sometimes-critical, far more wizened look at the children's and YA books we loved in our youth. This week, writer / reviewer / blogger Lizzie Skurnick reads 'Happy Endings Are All Alike', the 1978 Sandra Scoppettone novel about two young lesbians who want to be together in the worst way.
Sometime around the invention of email, slowly drifting into cubicle death, I sent the following email to a high school friend I hadn't spoken to in years:
More »Hils, What's the name of the book where there are two lesbians and the girl gets raped under a tree? Not My Sweet Audrina. There are two girls on the cover. How are you?
Lizzie
Memo to anna wintour
Dear Anna: I'm Outsourcing Your Job To Vogue India. 8 Pictures That Explain Why…
Anna: Trust you're having a merry Fourth. Please don't let what I'm about to say put too much of a damper on it. Listen, you've been impeccable these past 20 years. You're British, everyone fears you, there was that movie, etc. etc. And let's face it: in your absence, everyone who works here will probably start eating again and that's bad for health insurance premiums. But when in the course of human events you have to cut off the clothing allowance of an old paramour, well…you give them the good news first! It's not Carine. No, I'm actually giving your job to Priya Tanna, the editor of Vogue India. Have you ever looked at Vogue India? I hadn't either, really, but the other day I was in Bombay or Mumbai or whatever they're calling it these days for a business meeting and it occurred to me that the whole reason we have ceded so much of the old "service economy" to them is that they know English there, and if they know English I might be able to read their magazines, not that stylish prose was the first thing on my mind when I walked into the newsstand and found myself face to face with the most fucking wildly gorgeous specimen of femininity I have ever seen. It not being some overspackled underfreckled overexposed celebublonde, it took me awhile to process that it was Vogue I was looking at. More »
badvertising
Big Hair Is Sexy, Cigarettes Whiten Teeth, Not Having Cellulite Is Awesome
Sometimes you can't even get to the heart of the editorial content of a magazine because there are so many ads. And while a few ads are innocuous, pretty or straightforward, many are just bad. Hence, Badvertising! After the jump, some of the worst advertisements from recent issues of Elle, Allure and Glamour. More »
nosplice:17
Working Girls: Dressing For Success When Your Success Starts At Home
For the past few years, I've had what I refer to as a 'business costume.' This is the outfit I don when required to assume a professional appearance — usually a cocktail party where I know everybody else will be coming from an office, but also meetings with parents, lunches at nice places, and trips to business districts. My business costume consists of a tweed sheath dress and a pair of brown pumps, horn-rimmed spectacles and, needless to say, a chignon. It's very Smitty from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and I've always felt that it is a very convincing disguise, and certainly beats the loungewear that serves as my actual work uniform. Of course, my perspective might be skewed: because I come from a long line of creative types who are less than gainfully employed, business costumes are a family necessity. My dad has a mouldering tweed jacket he throws over everything and calls it a day. My mother's costume is particularly pathetic; what she refers to as her "dress sweats" but which are in fact not discernibly different from her everyday fleeces and yoga pants. More »
funny girl
Brides, Botox & Yogurt: Sarah Haskins Targets Those Who Target Women
Recently, while searching for that damn all-black issue of Italian Vogue, I gazed upon a shelf at a bookstore labeled "Women's Interest." The shelf was filled with wedding magazines. (And underneath: Cooking.) Really? Women have no other interest? I was still seething about this when I saw Sarah Haskins' "Target Women: Weddings" video over on Current TV. It's a teardown of all the bride and wedding-related shows on the We channel. The clips of Bridezillas and Bulging Brides programs filled me with hate. Watching svelte women be told they're too fat to get married and watching women who are getting married act like selfish, egomaniacal, misanthropic sociopaths not only made me hate the wedding industry, but the We channel. And women. And humanity. Thanks, Sarah Haskins! You're hilarious. And, um. Who are you? More »
stranger than fiction
Having A Gay Husband Is Kind Of…Queer
Last night, BBC America aired the documentary My Husband Is Gay. I thought it would be about straight women and gay men who make the choice to get married and start a family together, kinda like that Next Best Thing movie. But it was actually about women who married men who were pretending to be or believed at one time that they were straight. Anyway, most of the couples split amicably, but one couple, Sam and Dave, decided to create a marriage on their own terms, in which they raise their daughters and live as man and wife in every aspect — even still share a bed — except sexually. You know, to each his own, but I came away from it thinking that Sam was settling for a raw deal, since Dave is going out having gay weekends in Brighton, and she's at home with the kids and celibate. Clip above.
poppin' off
Kathy Griffin Meets Up With The Ladies Of Bad Girls Club
On tomorrow's episode of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, reality TV worlds will collide when Kathy goes to Flatbush, Brooklyn to meet up with Hanna and Tanisha from Bad Girls Club. Kathy's totally a fan of the show, and wanted Tanisha to teach her how to "pop off," and because she wanted to fit in with the Bad Girls, Kathy—who doesn't drink—ordered a vodka, but switched it out for water. The episode airs tomorrow night on Bravo (and I'm sure like a bajillion times over and over again after that). Clip above.
just say no
Dr. Drew's Celebrity Addiction Special Looks At The Link Between Narcissism And Substance Abuse
Last night VH1 aired Dr. Drew's Celebrity Addiction Special, and while the show's title would suggest a slapped together rundown of the problems of young women like Lindsay, Britney and Amy, the special was actually a lot more. Dr. Drew looked deeply at how the same narcissism that drives people to celebrity also makes them incredibly susceptible to addiction. (And as someone who kicked a nasty habit of her own just last year, he made a lot of sense to me.) Clip above.
shelf pleasuring
The Clan Of The Cave Bear: Where The Wild Things Are
Please, give a warm, wet welcome to Shelf Pleasuring, an occasional feature where we give a looky-loo at the books we stole off your parents' shelves when they weren't looking. For our inaugural column, Fine Lines proprietrix, blogger, NPR book reviewer and filthy-novel-fiend Lizzie Skurnick looks again at Jean M. Auel's 1980 novel The Clan of the Cave Bear, where young Ayla (it's AY-la, not EYE-la, I looked it up) learns that Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens do a lot more around the fire than roast aurochs.
More »
Game Show
Celebrity Family Feud: Holly Madison Isn't Familiar With Hef's Nightstand
Last night on Celebrity Family Feud, The Girls Next Door faced off against the family of actor Vincent Pastore. (He's the guy who played Big Pussy on The Sopranos.) Interestingly, Bridget was the leader of her "family" instead of #1 girlfriend Holly. When it was Holly's turn to go up to the buzzer, the question seemed perfect for her, and kind of gave The Girls an unfair advantage: What does Hugh Hefner have on his nightstand? Holly answered, "little black book," which actually might be very true, but was not up on the board. The Pastores played the question, but then struck out, and The Girls won the round by getting the top answer: Viagra. (In the end though, they lost out to the Pastores.) Clip above.
midweek madness
This Week In Tabloids: Madonna & Guy Split; Not-Pregnant Stars Without Makeup Have Hot Lesbian Sex
Welcome back to Midweek Madness! The covers sucked this week: Madonna and Guy graced one; supposed baby-luster Jen Aniston got another; stars without makeup landed another; probably-not-knocked-up chicks won the fourth and the Hogan family, yes, the Hogan family got their own. Luckily, the juicy details inside the mags mostly made up for the lame cover stories. Intern Margaret assists as we gobble up the tidbits of "news" in Us, OK!, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, after the jump. More »
cover lies
Mary-Kate Olsen In Elle: Holy Trashbag!
You know, I usually find Spencer Pratt's opinions relatively unimpeachable, but I totes never thought Mary-Kate was the less-cute Olsen, far from it. Until now! Anyway, maybe MK shares my opinion regarding the dormitory shower curtain they made her wear on the cover of this month's issue of Elle, because the interview she gives is...um, supplemented by those telltale bullshit filler sentences such as "Dave and Jarnette always insisted that Mary-Kate and Ashley experience a regular childhood," and a quote from Lauren Hutton on how hard it was for MK to "discover" her incredible tastes. Mercifully, Elle gives you better ways to waste 20 minutes! Like a story on how you can not only use pot to cure anxiety, but Special K to cure depression!! (That's better news than Ecstasy for PTSD!) Anyway, after the jump as usual, we rewrite the cover lines to reveal the fact that we actually read the magazine. More »
womb raiders
Is It About Time We Made A "Pregnancy Pact" Of Our Own?
The conventional wisdom holds that media types are biased in favor of the Theory of Evolution. So why is it all they seem to print these days are stories hellbent on convincing us that the WRONG PEOPLE are procreating?? No doubt you, too, spent more time over the past few months consuming the latest on the Duggar family and the Spears family, that mysteriously-coiffed cult of inbreds in the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Pedophiles and the seventeen bored teenagers' homeless deadbeat boyfriends than you did having unprotected sex. But is that good for the future of society? The Yemeni man who sold his 8-year-old daughter to the 30-year-old child molester only did it because he had 15 other children to feed on his panhandling income. And yet three thousand miles northwest in an unspeakably gorgeous town in Italy, the week's New York Times Magazine informs us, the mayor is paying women ten thousand Euros for every baby they can make. More »
high crimes
Ganja Queen: The Most Convincing Argument To Never Check Your Luggage When Flying
Last night HBO aired Ganja Queen, a documentary about the trial of Schapelle Corby, a 27-year-old Australian woman who was arrested for allegedly smuggling 9 lbs of marijuana into Indonesia in her boogie board bag. Corby has always maintained her innocence and swears that she has no idea how the drugs—which were vacuumed sealed in a clear bag—got into her luggage. Despite the fact that she tested negative for drug use, she was found guilty and sentenced by the Indonesian government to 20 years in prison. The whole story is very sad, but there was one spot of comic relief in the documentary: Corby's older sister Mercedes. You can tell how close the two are, and how much she cares about her sister's fate, when she hops the barrier in the court to assist Schappelle, who passed out, exposing her "undies." Clip above.
Porn ultimatums
