This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston's Adopted Mexican Kid Arrives Shortly

In Touch
“My Kids Saved Me”
Jennifer Lopez gives the mag an exclusive interview, in which she reveals that she’s had some rough moments in her marriage. She and Marc Anthony fight, but “having kids made us both see that there’s a bigger picture.” They have promised each other to never go to bed angry. Yawn. In the past, being overworked led to depression… and also, after giving birth, she says “all that chemical stuff peaked.” The “baby blues” made her appreciate her husband more. Moving on! The Sandra Bullock story here says that in the wake of Jesse’s engagement announcement, Sandy has been “sad and mopey,” and that she “barely leaves home, except to go to business meetings or the gym” and is just “down all the time.” Sniffle. Kim Kardashian is being really controlling with Kris Humphries, and is “obsessed” with who he hangs out with and who he talks to. His parents listen to Kim, because “they think she can get him into the Hollywood scene.” There’s an interview in here from Andrew Lewis, the baby daddy of Janelle from Teen Mom 2, and he says that the kid, Jace, doesn’t have anyone stable in his life. Andrew secretly visits Jace at daycare, and has had six two-hour visits that Janelle doesn’t know about. Pretty shady, since Andrew signed papers to give Janelle full custody. Andrew also says he saw Janelle smoke weed when she was 3 months pregnant, and that he once found speed in her jeans pocket. Reese Witherspoon’s fiancé, Hollywood agent Jim Toth, won’t let Reese pay for anything. He bought her a $450,000 ring, spent $26,000 on Lakers tickets and treats her to dinner at all of her favorite restaurants. The headline on this is “It’s Expensive To Marry Reese!” like it’s all her fault. Jake Gyllenhaal flew to Nashville to beg for Taylor Swift’s forgiveness, and when his connecting flight was delayed, he rented a car and drove 200 miles so as not to stand her up. They went to dinner, and even though he had a hotel, he spent two nights with Taylor in her apartment. Break-up sex?! Robert Pattinson “has resorted to begging” Kristen Stewart to marry him. She’s not sure she is ready. Michael Jackson’s kids are moving into a new house — rented by Katherine Jackson — and away from MJ’s brothers and their scheming wives — one of whom was trying to write a tell-all. Brad the Bachelor “hasn’t really changed,” says a source. He sent emails and text messages to his ex-girlfriend while he was on the show, and is just doing the TV thing “to salvage his public image.” A source says: “Women everywhere hated what he did. Brad basically had no choice but to fall in love.” Say what now? No choice? Calling the ORLY owl. ORLY owl to the white courtesy phone. Three random thin actresses are even skinnier now, hence the spread called “The Return Of Size Zero.” (see Fig. 4) And last, but not least, in an epic feat of investigative journalism, “How Tan Is Too Tan” explores the spectrum of celebrity skin tones, from Emma Roberts to Snooki. (see Fig. 5).
Grade: C (SpaghettiOs®)

Star
“Yes, I’m Adopting!”
You know how Jennifer Aniston is always going to Mexico? In between yoga on the beach and drinks in the cabana, she likes to volunteer at one specific orphanage, Casa Hogar Sion in Tijuana, and the orphanage director calls her a “friend.” According to the mag, Jen has already signed papers to adopt a child, and the kid will be in her arms by her 42nd birthday on February 11th. We don’t know for sure that the baby is coming from Casa Hogar Sion, but the director says “no comment,” which, in celebland, totes means yes! We can’t wait for the paparazzi pix of little Margarita in a tutu to arrive! In 2005, Jen said, “In five years, I would hope to have a kid.” So if she wants to follow some old random timeline she once told a reporter about, she’d better get cracking. Jen already has a gender-neutral nursery in her Beverly Hills home, with a Harry Potter mural on the ceiling. Courteney Cox’s daughter Coco has volunteered to babysit. This should be fun! Also inside: In an Unsolicited Uterus Update, we learn that Carrie Underwood is two months pregnant and will make a big announcement soon. Bradley Cooper’s dad’s “dying wish” was that Bradley marry Renée Zellweger. Shakira, 34, is dating a hot 24-year-old soccer player named Gerard Piqué. What else? Jillian Michaels and her girlfriend Heidi Rhoades have adopted a puppy! Kim Richards of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills has apparently been hiding her alcoholism for over a decade. She was being set up for a blind date at a dinner party on the show, but got so drunk that they couldn’t use all the footage. She went to rehab eight years ago, and Bravo won’t renew her contract unless gets sober. Colin Firth has a “secret family” with Meg Tilly, but it’s not that secret if it’s in his Wikipedia, so we’re moving on. Lastly: Christina Aguilera is “in crisis!” Christina recently got wasted and crawled into bed at Jeremy Renner’s birthday party, and a week after that, she “unleashed a booze-filled verbal assault” on Julianne Hough at the SoHo House in West Hollywood. Christina was also seen sloshed at a Golden Globes after party, where she kept lifting her dress and making out with her boyfriend. A sidebar called “Bruised & Bloated” points out that Xtina’s drinking has her “piling on the pounds.” (see Fig. 6) See it’s okay to be a lush, you just have to be one of those skinny drunks. Heaven forbid you gain weight! Christina’s ex-husband, Jordan Bratman, is allegedly infuriated by her boozing and may go to court to request sole physical custody of their 3-year-old son Max. But Christina wants you to know that she is beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can’t bring her down!
Grade: C+ (gnocchi with pesto)

Fig. 1 (from Life & Style)

Fig. 2 (from Life & Style)

Fig. 3 (from Us)

Fig. 4 (from In Touch)

Fig. 5 (from In Touch)

Fig. 6 (from Star)