A Petit Theory About Brand-New Couple Miley Cyrus and Cody Simpson

By Maria Sherman | October 15, 2019 | 4:18pm

Celebrities

It’s fake.

That’s the TLDR version of events, but something tells me the recent partnership of Miley Cyrus and Australian singer-songwriter Cody Simpson is less than genuine. I’ve got what I would call evidence, in the same way all those prone to conspiratorial impulses pull on their tinfoil hats and scream from various corners of the dark web that they have proof.

August 11, 2019

After ten years of dating and six months of marriage, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth (the lesser of the Aussie brothers, but still much hotter than you or I) broke up. A rep for the newly single Cyrus stated, “Liam and Miley have agreed to separate at this time. Ever-evolving, changing as partners and individuals, they have decided this is what’s best while they both focus on themselves and careers. They still remain dedicated parents to all of their animals they share while lovingly taking this time apart. Please respect their process and privacy.” For the first time in her 20s, Cyrus was single, baby.

On the same day, Entertainment Tonight posted pictures of Cyrus kissing Kaitlynn Carter, Brody Jenner’s ex-wife. Brody and Kaitlynn also split sometime in August. Within a week, Carter met Cyrus’s mom. Drama waits for no one.

It is unclear what Cody Simpson has been doing over the last four years, but in December 2015 he told GQ Australia, “Miley is one of my best friends and she helps with some of that transitional stuff—trying to escape your childhood. She’s super open-minded and I’m working on becoming more like that.”

Foreshadow, much?

Early September 2019

Cyrus and Carter are still hot and heavy. They’re liberal in their PDA, and they had a great time at New York Fashion Week, unlike myself.

Late September 2019

Miley Cyrus and Kaitlynn Carter call it quits after a beautiful summer of love. An insider told People, “They’ve been friends forever and were there for each other when they were both getting separated but they’re just not in a romantic relationship anymore.” Such is the story of any rebound.

October 4, 2019

Cyrus and Simpson were spotted smooching at a Backyard Bowls in L.A., which is apparently a smoothie place. How the hell did that happen? Where was the buildup? E! reported that they also kissed at a sushi place? That seems like a lot of unnecessary PDA meant to reassure the public that they are an item. That sounds a lot like… Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes.

The next day, Simpson posted a picture of him kissing Cyrus’s head on his Instagram Story with the caption, “Pre swim breakfast courtesy of baby.”

October 9, 2019

Simpson claims to write a song for Cyrus called “Golden Thing,” according to Hollywood Life, which he performed for her while she was sick with tonsillitis. She also promoted the hell out of it on her Instastories, which is why I think this whole thing is a sham. Call me Angostura because I am bitter.

October 12, 2019

Simpson told People about his week-long relationship with Cyrus: “I’m very happy. We are very, very happy. She’s creative. She’s very passionate about what she does, and I’m very similar in that sense. That’s why we get along so well,” adding that, “We just have a ball, yeah, and that’s the most important part of a relationship, you know?” and “The reason why it hasn’t been a really crazy sudden thing is just because we’ve been friends for so long. [We] found each other again in a space where we’re both not partying, working real hard, and it just keeps things healthy and it’s good.”

That sounds like an allusion to Cyrus’s most recent single, “Slide Away.”

October 14, 2019

That.

If the tabloid timeline is to be believed, Cody Simpson and Miley Cyrus have been dating for ten days. That’s less than a week-and-a-half. She’s mentioned his forthcoming single multiple times. You do the math, sheeple. It’s all promo.