Dancing With the Stars Has Ruined Me

By Joanna Rothkopf | May 17, 2016 | 2:00pm

Entertainment

Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”

Hi, it’s finally me, Joanna.

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Monday evening’s episode whittled the remaining contestants down from the five couples in the semi-finals to the three who would appear in the two night finals (God help us) next week. On March 8, Clover Hope wrote about the newly announced cast for this season of Dancing With the Stars. I made the following prediction:

“Insane-wise, I’d rank this season a 7 because of Mischa, Marla Maples, Geraldo and Nyle, who I’m sure will all have rehearsals that end in tears. There are a lot of strong men, but no war heroes, so, there’s that. My top 3 prediction is Nyle/Peta, Antonio/Sharna and Paige/Mark Ballas—I would bet one thousand dollars on that.”

Let’s discuss how right I was, where I went wrong, why that’s not my fault or my problem, and also why I’m furious.

The first portion of my prediction was basically true, but also kind of immaterial. Geraldo Rivera and Mischa Barton both made truly terrible showings on this season—and Mischa did, as I thought she might, cry—but their tenures were so short (they were eliminated first and second, respectively), that it was hard to provoke any drama out of the two that wasn’t purely based on the personal agony that we were forced to endure watching them dance. I’m sorry, but I’m right. Marla was wacky in her own right, but not necessarily wacky in an interesting way.

So, my finals predictions: I was so close to being right. So fucking close. Oh my god. Fuck.

Couples in the semi-finals were Nyle and Peta, Antonio and Sharna, Paige and Mark (LIKE I SAID), and Wanyá and Lindsay and Ginger and Val. So basically, I was there. I had successfully judged celebrity books by their covers and chosen who would be good dancers. Boy, was I proud.

Still, from the beginning of the season, it was clear that Wanyá was an extraordinary talent and that he and Paige were kind of in a class of their own. Antonio, on the other hand, was just a very hard worker—he still performed all his dances with a very sweet frozen smile and as if he was thinking very hard. So, had the finals been Nyle, Paige, and Wanyá, that would have been fine. Not only fine, but correct.

Instead, the show pushed Paige (yay), Nyle (yay), and GINGER ZEE into the finals. Ginger really is great, and I’ve been so impressed with her through this season, but she is just objectively not as good as Wanyá (or Paige). (Nyle, the deaf model, is also quite good but he’s kind of in a league of his own since his story is so intense and they keep making him do stunts like dance blindfolded.)

The choice is even more messed up after the judges gave Wanyá two perfect scores for his two show-stopping routines! And also, messed up to have a fairly diverse final five and to kick off the two remaining black contestants! I’ve got a lot of issues!

Also, I’ll just mention how hard the producers are pushing the Paige/Alan Bersten romance and how Paige and Mark’s first Samba was markedly questionable, if we’ll also remember that this show has an uneasy relationship with cultural sensitivity and also gender roles:

So here I am. 2/3. A fuckin’ 60 percent. The loser of the Mirrorball Trophy in my heart—even more so because I care about this show so much :(.

Fuck,

Joanna

PS. I screamed this whole article out loud while I was writing it!