Every Froufy Gown and Cursed Image From the 90th Annual Academy Awards Red Carpet 

I love this look on Darrell Britt-Gibson; it’s such a classic ‘50s cool-guy move, down to the highwater pants. Gael Garcia Bernal is my tiny zaddy but the fit on this tux is not really doing it for me—unlike the crispy Jordan Peele, dressed like a man who deserves an Oscar. Kelly Marie Tran looks a lot different when she is not playing a genius mechanic type in Star Wars! I love her gown, the perfect amount of crystals and tulle for a first-time Oscars attendee.

Probable winner Allison Janney is impossibly elegant in this sleek, beautifully cut red gown. Abbie Cornish’s look is very Cersei Lannister; the glorious Natalia Lafourcade, Jezebel fave!, is a dream in this tiered black gown. Seeing Lil Rel and Bradley Whitford together and smiling in this context is weeeeeird (Get OUT!) but they both look fantastic; I especially love the black shirt and tie under navy suit, very sleek and modern.

Caleb Landry Jones plays a racist asshole or dirtbag in like every movie but he’s really missing out on the vampire market. Twilight 5? I honestly didn’t recognize Doug Jones without his fishdick, but then he did this pose. The goddess Phoebe Waller-Bridge, creator of the best television shows, is stunning in my fave dress so far: crepe-y and delicate and dotty but not too fussy or self-serious. Same with Sandy Martin’s great jacket, which is somewhere between the cool therapist you really wish were your actual mom, and limited edition Merimekko.

Leslie Bibb’s gone with a classic Oscar gown style, but Jane Fonda’s look is more Duchess of Your Life. Ashley Judd’s in regal purple, but no one here can front on Rita Moreno, who’s like you know what? I’m gonna dress like the freaking Queen of England for this shit! Elizabeth, she’s coming for ya neck! (She last wore it in 1962, when she got her own Oscar!)

Mira Sorvino should have been here the last 22 years, or something. And now she’s getting her revenge by literally taking up space with that train. If I got did dirty like she did, I would have a 62-foot-long train and bring like seven pitbulls on a diamond leash.

Betty Gabriel! That neckline isn’t flattering on many people, and then to combine it with a deep turquoise? Stunning. Also doing great is Eiza González, whose color story is perfect and if it’s your first time presenting here, why not go for femme fatale. Paz Vega’s Christopher Bu gown is lovely, and I’m also feeling Samara Weaving’s tulle crossbody thing, mainly hue-wise.

Elisabeth Moss in a rather muted, Grace Kelly style jawn. My main Hans Zimmer, with wife Suzanne Zimmer and a swag surf scarf, waving to #Dunkirkhive. Hans, thank you for creating the most incredible soundtrack of the year? Salma Hayek is going for glittery maximalism and while I am here for it, I can see how someone would not be. But in contrast, at least she took a chance (on Gucci, LOL), while still adhering to the fancy gown mandate women are expected to follow. But then…

…Agnes Varda came along and stole my life, y’all!!!!!

This is hands-down the best red carpet look, never @ me again! Silk rose layers, white sneakers, gradient hair dye, no purse but inexplicable HAND SCARVES, and a low-key mock turtleneck! This is how you do FASHION! This is why this feminist French director is a LEGEND! She will not waste her time with your RULES! Yes GOD!

Both Gina Rodriguez and Emily V. Gordon (with Kumail Nanjiani) went for very subtle shades of “nude”/tan/blush; in general it’s not my favorite trend as I prefer a bold (see: my appreciation for Salma’s gaudiness), but it’s a really simple way to look elegant. Laura Dern often chooses this silhouette and it works for her, it’s elegant custom Calvin Klein. St. Vincent, who will perform with Sufjan Stevens, is wearing a designer who’s on the tip of my tongue—Saint Laurent? I KNOW THIS and it’s killing me—and also looks like a cool ‘80s cigarette girl, maybe working the floor at Studio 54.

Dee Rees and Sarah Broom took a page from the Janelle Monáe black-and-white playbook, and the result is extremely bold. Rees is doing punk equestrian and Broom is like milady who she picks up before they run away and live in a castle or some shit. I love seeing Lin-Manuel Miranda there but my main question is WHERE IS VANESSA! I know she’s pregnant but we stan Vanessa and want to see her on the carpettttt. Mary J. Blige, nominated for two Oscars tonight, is a diamond in Versace. Dame Helen Mirren is Dame Helen Mirrening all over the damn place.

Pardon me, why have we never seen anyone stunt like this on the Oscars carpet? Like legit, if I were there I’d be like “CAPTURE ME IN EVERY POSE DAHLING.” Massive respect to Andra Day, whose Marie Antoinette gown and red velvet shoes are giving us the royalty she is and deserves.

Common is wearing a great tux, but Daniel Kaluuya’s is exceptional; caramel velvet, why not? Fatma al Remaihi’s velvet turban and gold-detailed abaya is deeply chic; the details on Maria Eladia Hagerman’s gown are deceptively simple; a million rhinestones painstakingly laid in that feathery pattern.

Chadwick Boseman is giving us T’Challa red carpet realness; that lapel is vibranium, obviously. Lakeith Stanfield is keeping tight with the navy tuxedo trend; Margot Robbie was just announced as a Chanel ambassador so she is wearing Chanel and will never not wear Chanel until the end of time. Taraji P. Henson is never afraid to flaunt her sex appeal and I love this #J.LoLeg pose! Also, the bob is forever.

Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey look like they just got here from a wedding or prom in 1982, where they probably boned in the back of a Pinto. Very hot. Viola Davis! That gleaming fuschia is giving full ‘90s supermodel vibes, plus the hoops and hair is perfection. Whoopi’s gown is an impressionist paradise, while Zendaya, my slay queen, looks as though she was just manifested by Zeus (or some other dude) from the essence of the earth. That grecian goddess thing is perfection. As usual!

Jennifer Lawrence is a vision in gunmetal Dior; Lesley Manville is a vision in that she is Lesley Manville. Octavia Spencer’s evergreen-colored gown is flattering in both hue and cut. Timothee Chalamet is a small hypebeast who, if he were TRULY a Virgil Abloh fan, he would allow us all to pronounce it “Tee-moe-tay” as is right and good. Look at those damn boots. I saw that video of him rapping in high school. Oscar-nominated actor, discovered in the line at Supreme. Dreams do come true.

Sandra Bullock’s whole steez in this gown is like, “mean mom in ‘90s drama about child neglect,” and it’s ENTIRELY because of the cut and neckline and gold lamé situation. Emily Blunt’s look is dainty and appointed. Danai Gurira kept the focus on that gorgeous headpiece and let it flow down from there. Emma Stone’s custom Louis suit is sharp as hell, and a TRULY welcome departure from 8000 fucking princess dresses! Everyone needs to relax!

Gal Gadot’s silver metal fringe is a nice callback to the fact that she is Wonder Woman. Greta Gerwig’s butter-yellow gown seems perfectly her, quite dainty and kind of cool and like she loves indie bands. Tiffany Haddish is wearing a traditional Eritrean princess gown in homage to her father, who was Eritrean and died earlier this year. It is fitting because she is a princess! Haley Bennett’s look is artful and aggressive, like a porcupine. It’s the physical embodiment of a Time’s Up pin.

Lupita Nyong’o’s gilded gown was simply poured on her! I am also very much loving Maya Rudolph’s caftan, which I hope is from her mom’s closet, RIP. Meryl’s so Meryl she doesn’t even really need to go nuts on the gown; it’s about the talent, people! Molly Sims’s look is sort of Vanna White.

Ansel Elgort and Armie Hammer getting together to discuss velvet tuxedos is Ellie Shechet’s worst nightmare. Completing this jewel tone triumvirate is Nicole Kidman, who actually really brought it tonight in this structural taffeta number!

Sally Hawkins and Saoirse Ronan are both killing it in those looks which bring a fabu… OH, I’M SORRY, I got distracted by Winston DUKE, aka M’Baku, aka the man who is picking up the award tonight for Zaddiest Zaddy! Thanks!

Finally, I leave you with this:

The god Dolores Huerta, looking like the freedom fighter she is. Now that’s fashion activism.