I Like Men Who Operate Heavy Machinery, Here Are Some

Meet the incredibly hot Formula 1 drivers who get me to the finish line.

By Emily Leibert | March 15, 2022 | 8:25pm

Entertainment

Photo: Clive Mason/Getty Images (Getty Images)

When a friend initially told me I should watch a Netflix docuseries about race cars a year ago, I said, decidedly, “Nah.”

“But the drivers are hot,” she responded. So, I pivoted to a solid, “Yah.”

Forty episodes and a handful of Honey Badger stalking sessions later, I am now the girl screaming at my colleagues that they must — MUST — watch the recently released fourth season of Formula 1: Drive to Survive. The drivers are indeed hot and worth salivating over.

While fashion magazines are subtly thirsting over them, employing Undertones and Photoshoots to cement the drivers as idols in some sort of speedy new paganism, they won’t give it to you straight like I’m gonna give it to you.

To preface, I do not know jackshit about an F1 car’s chassis or gearbox, but I do know that these men tap into my innermost Luddite sensibilities: the sort of dense attraction to those who carry large objects or operate heavy machinery. Better still, these F1 drivers don’t putz around the states like good ol’ American mommy’s boys. These guys are Brits, Europeans, and even the son of a suspected Russian oligarch; they hate playing by the rules and subsequently spend their time racing around extravagant landscapes at speeds of up to 250 miles per hour. They know how to rev their car’s engines, and I’m willing to bet that they’ll also know how to rev mine.

To the lovely humans of Formula 1, I am sorry to objectify you in this way. Yes, you are fashionable little sailors with unrivaled athleticism and an enduring spirit, but most importantly, you are Mustangs in-the-flesh with perhaps even bigger horse dicks than I had imagined. Time to plow my way through the Mercedes, McLaren, and Ferrari driver line-ups like a hungry, hungry hippo on a mission to munch as I explain the reasons why I’d bone my favorite F1 drivers of appropriate age.

Daniel Ricciardo

Oh, my sweet and salty Aussie, where shall we begin? While on the outside a lovable goofball, Ricciardo must, on the inside, possess a drive to dominate a young doe like me in the same way he possesses a drive to dominate teammate Lando Norris. I would certainly have to climb him like a pole, but that feels exactly right: exercise and play all in one.

Lewis Hamilton

Lewis Hamilton is the crown prince of Formula 1. He’s also perhaps the boy who’s gonna take you to the park, feed you a few slices of gouda and fig jam, and then gently park his Mercedes Benz in your garage. Smooth like a sand shark, a rule follower, and a still-plays-Sims-on-the-weekend kinda guy, Lewis might not be your firework-studded one night stand, but you know he’s gonna bring home the FIA Formula One World Drivers Championship Trophy at the end of the day.

Lando Norris

A 22-year-old baby, potentially still breastfeeding, but yes, I would indeed go full couger claws out for this cub. Simba, I can teach you the ways around a woman’s body if you want. Though, he also seems like a smug little bitch—sort of like your best friend’s little brother who’s buttering you up as if he’s the sweetest little raspberry buttercream cupcake, but then shoves you against the wall and pulls fuzzy handcuffs out of his backpack. Don’t sleep on this one. Do sleep with this one.

Charles Leclerc

A frenchman driving the Italian Stallion. I will not say more.

Max Verstappen

This Redbull driver’s confidence is at an all-time high after winning the 2021 driver’s championship, so now would be the time to fuck. He’s not afraid to throw his car (AND YOU) around and is an honest-to-god film villain who belongs in Brad Pitt’s Fight Club universe. He’s always on the podium; therefore, I’d be happy to hop on his podium anytime.

Christian Horner

Ok, notably not a driver, Christian is the Team Principal of the Red Bull Formula One team. I’d let him whisper sweet nothings into my ear over radio like, “A little faster now,” and “You’re a champion.” Added bonus, he’s married to Geri Halliwell aka Ginger Spice. I’m happy to offer myself up as a third if they’re down, or I can just sit in the corner and gently hum, “If you wannabe my lover...”

Toto Wolff

Similarly, not a driver, but the principal of Mercedes and you know I simp for a man in charge. Toto, I’d like to put you in my little basket, click my heels three times, and wish you inside of my—

Carlos Sainz

A Spaniard in the Italian Stallion. This man will stop for nothing, not even when I tell him to. He’s bringing the heat and not just from the friction of the black tires to that hot, hot race track. Also, hello reflexes, baby!