It is with a profound sense of disappointment I must announce that Gwyneth Paltrow did not Goop all over election day with her holiday gift guide in order to momentarily distract her myriad haters (and lowkey lovers) from Democratic purgatory. The suggestion we all purchase a $38,000 mattress to commemorate the birth of Christ would have been almost benevolent on this day, providing something concrete to despise rather than the phantom dread anchoring the passive act of enduring history. But alas, it seems the annual Goop gift guide dropped over the weekend, and we were all too caught up in our own sweaty knots of roiling nerves to properly mock anything.
Well, my fellow hate lovers, that ends now. Here is the best of the worst from the Goop Holiday Gift Guide.
Let’s start small: A $22 straw, captioned “Suck it.” Suck it indeed. Feeling good about not suffocating turtles has never been so difficult.
A different, $48 straw. Perhaps a crystal-ensconced drinking straw offers the possibility of sucking it so hard one moves beyond grounding and sinks into cool, quiet subterranean lassitude.
