Like a Good Reality TV Momager, Queen Elizabeth Will Use Strategic Seating to Keep Harry and William From Fighting at Grandfather's Funeral

Because the English royal family seems to love nothing more than behaving like a stereotypical Southern reality TV one—marrying cousins, muddin’ in jacked SUVs, being racist—Queen Elizabeth has enlisted the help of some cousin to stand in between Princes William and Harry to keep the boys from wrasslin’ over paw-paw’s casket. The whole thing sounds like a rejected Eudora Welty plot.

According to The Guardian, Queen Elizabeth has made the decision to stick Cousin Peter in between the siblings, rumored to be feuding over the fact that Harry went on Oprah and called his whole family racist, at Prince Phillip’s upcoming funeral:

“Buckingham Palace would not be drawn on any “perceptions of drama” the public might draw from the order of procession as senior royals walk first behind the coffin as it is borne by a modified Land Rover, and then again inside St George’s chapel at Windsor Castle. A spokesperson said: ‘The arrangements have been agreed, and they represent Her Majesty’s wishes.’”

Additionally, the boys’ meemaw has decreed that no military uniforms will be worn at the funeral because Harry’s got taken away when he decided not to be prince anymore and it would be ugly for William to prance around in his like owns the place—which I guess he one day will. Also because, if William wears one, then Andrew’s going to want to wear one, and that wouldn’t look seemly what with him being an alleged sex pest and all. Cousin Peter is also going to sit between the boys during the ceremony as well, likely to prevent them slapping and pinching when the preacher isn’t looking.

Queen Granny has also decided to sit alone, not only because she’s a thousand years old and it’s still a pandemic, but probably because all this squabblin and squalin has her plum worn out, and her no-account sons were born to test her nerves as well, bless their hearts.