March Madness: Will Weed, Champagne, Coke and Vodka Remain Undefeated?

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March Madness marches on: So much booze. So many drugs. So little time.

First of all, a round of applause to Friday’s winners, Coke, Advil, Vodka, and PBR, who will advance in this competition. Farewell, Heroin! Goodbye Tylenol! Auf wiedersehen, Jager Bomb! Buh-Bye, Boone’s Farm! We’re pouring some out for you homies.

Updated bracket below; printable bracket here.

Get your pom-poms ready, it’s time to cheer for your favorite teams in a whole new round of games!

Over in Illegal Drug stadium, conquering hero Weed (1) is up against twitchy underdog Bath Salts (8). Pretty sure Weed is the fan favorite here, but we’ll see.

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A trippier match is the one between Quaaludes (5) and Mushrooms (4). While ‘Ludes have the cachet of hailing from the Gyllenhaal/Sarsgaard School of Nomenclature, ‘Shrooms have that all-natural, organic vibe going and everyone loves taking them camping.

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Even more mind-bending: LSD (11) vs. Molly (3). This game’s got a generational divide going on: Old School versus New Cool, Mad Men vs. Miley. Anything can happen.

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Finally, Ayahuasca (10) vs. Coke (2) : Would you rather get in touch with your inner child while romping through the spirit world guided by a shaman, only to violently projectile vomit? Or do you want to get all amped up and talk a mile a minute while sweating through heart palpitations? In the immortal works of Black Sheep: The choice is yours.

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Next up, at the Legal Drugs amphitheater, a huge match-up: Caffeine (1) vs. Immodium (8). These are both hugely important chemicals. One the one hand, you gotta get up to get down. On the other: Who else is saving your ass?

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Another seriously tough game: The venerable Vicodin (12) vs. velvety vulpine vixen Valium (13). Veritably vital, both, yet they each vie for victory!

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Here’s a moody game: Prozac (6) vs. Adderall (3). A vote for ‘Zac is a vote for all anti-depressants; if Addie wins, it’s a boost for psychostimulants. Watch this space closely.

CORRECTION: THIS GAME IS PROZAC VS. XANAX. We’re too doped up over here, obviously.

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Finally in Legal Drugs it’s Oxycontin (7) vs. Advil (2). Opiates vs. anti-inflammatories. May the best drug win.

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MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Now let’s head over to the Booze side of the bracket.

In the Hard Alcohol arena, Margarita (1) is up against Gin (8). How do you like your lime?

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Next is one of the weirder games we’ll see today: Jack Daniels (5) vs. Jungle Juice (4). Will maturity trump sloppy puerility?

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Another old-timer vs. young fry game: grown-up Scotch (11) vs. post-pubescent party gal SoCo (3).

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Strong-as-hell team Vodka (2) keeps on winning… But does it have what it takes to beat Brandy (7)?

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Let’s move on to the so-called Soft Stuff. One of the biggest games today is the one where number-one seed Champagne is meeting Red Wine (8) on the court. I’m nervous, you guys. I can’t be objective here. I’ve got a horse in this race, and it’s the crisp, bubbly sparkling goddess of méthode champenoise. Red wine is lovely, beautiful, great with snacks or dinner. But you can’t make a mimosa, ring in New Year’s Eve, eat a decadent dessert, launch a ship or be a character on Dynasty without Champagne. Don’t let me down, people.

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I have no cur in the dogfight that is Sangria (5) vs. Guinness (4). Do your best.

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Warm weather friends Blue Moon (6) and Rosé (3) are the next teams to face off, each smooth and cool in their own way.

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Finally: Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA (10) vs. PBR (2) is about savoring vs. guzzling, I guess? I really only care about Champagne so whatever.

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The polls are open for 24 hours. VOTE VOTE VOTE!

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