Men's Health Wants To Sweet Talk The Pants Right Off Of You

By Hortense Smith | May 2, 2009 | 4:30pm

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Now look. Men’s Health and I have a pretty sour relationship. I try so hard to ignore their bs, but every so often an article like this comes along, and I just can’t help myself.

The folks at Men’s Health are notorious for giving out really sketchy advice, especially when it comes to women. So this article, “6 Phrases To Get Her Into Bed Tonight,” fits right into their craptacular archives. However, this particular article stings a bit more, as it was written by a woman, Nicole Beland. Come on, lady! You’re not helping our anti-douchebag cause by giving out information like this! Let’s try to clean this mess up together, shall we?

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“I screwed up, and want to hear your thoughts.” Whether you blabbed a good friend’s secret or ran over the neighbor’s limited-edition bike, admit it. Confessing an error in judgment leaves you exposed and vulnerable, which makes a woman want to wrap you in her arms. Telling her about it wins her over even more, you’re showing that you value her opinion. The resulting combo of compassion and confidence will inspire her to make everything all better, or at least distract you.

Remember that emo boyfriend you had in high school who was always all, “I am so sorry that our love is not blooming like the cold, frosted roses of spring, but my heart is filled with your love like so many setting suns” And then you, being 15, were all, “OMG that is so deep, you can totally get to third base now.” That dude grew up to be Sneaky McManipulator, who likes to pull this “I am so hurt but sensitive” routine just to get you to sleep with him. He is Zach Braff in Garden State. He is Ross Gellar. He is 35 years old and still wears guyliner. Steer clear.

“Did you know you have a heart-shaped freckle on the back of your left thigh?” After the first few months of sex, inch-by-inch body exploration yields to cut-to-the-chase carnality. That’s a shame, because having her body mapped puts a woman in the mood for luxurious sex. Pull aside the blankets on a weekend morning and run your eyes and fingertips from her toes to her earlobes, making admiring comments along the way. You won’t get past her elbows before she pulls you in for a deep, wet kiss.

I have a freckle on my thigh!? No way! I’ve been alive for 28 years but I guess I’ve never noticed my body before, nor have I ever had anyone point out my birthmarks to me. Thank goodness for you and your “body mapping” techniques. Did you know you have a heart-shaped zit on your back? You should probably get that taken care of. And thanks ever so much for trying to “map” my body on a weekend morning, before you’ve brushed your teeth. Sexy.

“I’m organizing a team of volunteers for Summit for Someone.” Whether it’s climbing mountains with inner-city kids or carrying the neighbor’s groceries, helping others boosts your sexy factor for two reasons. First, altruism shows her that you can put your own needs aside, which inspires her to take care of them for you. Second, your good deeds make her feel as if she’s dating up, because clearly you’re a better person than she is. She’ll want to join forces with you on your life’s quest.

There is nothing grosser than someone who pulls out what a “good person” they are just to get you to sleep with them. This is the guy who donates to charity and then makes sure that EVERYONE knows that he’s donated to charity. His “helpful” efforts are really just a way to make people think he’s a really deep, caring guy. And anyone who participates in such things to make you feel like they are “clearly a better person” than you needs a swift kick out the door. Dumping this douchebag is perhaps the most charitable thing you’ll do all year. God bless you.

“You must be exhausted. Let’s take a hot shower and I’ll scrub your back.” The number-one reason your partner turns down sex is because she’s stressed. And while she knows there’s no better cure for wound-up nerves than a spring-release orgasm, it can be hard to shake off the day’s distractions. By blasting the hot water and lighting candles, you’ll offer a tension-melting solution she can’t refuse. Once the hot water and your soapy hands chase the stress away, she’ll finally feel sexy again.

Yes, because when a woman clearly indicates she does not want to have sex with you, lighting a bunch of candles will do the trick. Or, you know, she might really be exhausted and not interested and your Dylan McKay circa 1992 moves will only irritate her to the point where your hot shower experience might have to turn into a cold one. Jackass.

“I want to accomplish a few key things in the next 5 years.” When a woman hears a man talk about the future with a “whatever” attitude, her level of respect for him drops and her thighs snap shut. She was surrounded by way too many of those directionless dudes back in college, and she has learned that men who have clear goals and realistic plans for achieving them are rare. She’ll appreciate your farsightedness all the more. Making up your mind settles hers, as well.

That’s right, ladies. Because your mind can’t be made up unless a man is there to make it up for you. Why bother making life plans unless a guy is there to dictate how the next 5 years will go? Your hopes and dreams are essentially meaningless and directionless without some dude laying out his 5 year plan to take over the world, and your life. Thank goodness for penises with plans, am I right? Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.

“I’m taking the day off tomorrow to chaperone my niece’s field trip.”
While a woman is impressed by a man who’s driven to succeed, she’s even more tantalized by a striver who’s willing to put a family member first. Extra points if that family member is under 12. She’ll instantly flash-forward to when you’re the sweet, caring father of her children, at which point her heart will go all gooey. Come back from your kiddie outing with a cute stuffed animal for her and she’ll practically drag you into bed.

Yes, well, either that or she’ll instantly flash to visions of Chris Hansen pouring lemonade. Also, unless you are a high school senior at the County Fair, nobody wants your fucking stuffed animals. And why are you taking the day off from work, in a recession?! That’s really going to screw up our 5 year life plan and your volunteer opportunities with “Summit for Someone.” Now STFU and GTFO. I have a hot bath waiting for me. And you’re not invited.

6 Phrases To Get Her Into Bed Tonight [Men’s Health]

[Image via Natalie Dee.]