A Running List of House Judiciary Republicans’ Most Embarrassing Tweets

Tweeting is an art form. Being pithy, interesting and/or funny about politics and other very serious news items requires actual functioning brain cells, which the House Judiciary Republicans (@JudiciaryGOP) apparently just do not have.

It’s mostly a retweeting account with special attention to every media appearance by Rep. Jim Jordan (R), the committee’s ranking member who has a bad tweeting problem of his own. Yet, occasionally the poor press assistant or lowly aide with an iPhone (or perhaps Jordan himself?) decides to create some original content on the bird app—and by god, it just always sucks ass on so many different levels.

I am boring tweeter, to be honest, but at least I’m not embarrassing. So even though I live in a glass house, on some level, I will absolutely be throwing stones about how mindblowingly stupid and/or shitty the tweets of this official, blue-checked Congressional account manage to be. Let’s take a look at its greatest hits.

Let’s get the least important part of this tweet out of the way: There’s a typo. The sentence should be “That TIME Magazine cover was a huge threat to national security.”

And now to address the real problem: incredible, deliberate stupidity about a truly alarming issue of national security. Here we have a photograph of a scattered pile of top secret documents former President Donald Trump allegedly stole from the U.S. government and hid at Mar-a-Lago. Off to the far right, there’s a box with a framed TIME magazine cover in it.

Do these guys have worms for brains? Looking upon this photo amid an FBI investigation into your Supreme Leader and tweeting about an irrelevant detail in it, as if you’re really effectively debunking the whole narrative, is like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun pointed at your face and sneering that the person holding it has a zit on his chin.

To be fair, Jim Jordan is notoriously good at ignoring piles of evidence.

The minority party was trying to clown, here, on student loan debt forgiveness, but instead I’d like to make an incomplete list of stuff that is free:

The Metropolitan Museum of Art to New York driver’s license holders

The library

Picking wildflowers

Going for a walk

Telling my dog he’s a cutey patootie

Being quiet 🙂

Gas is $5 a gallon. Did you know gas is $5 per gallon? Have you heard that gasoline costs $5 for every gallon you’d like to purchase? $5 gasoline, have you heard of it?

I helped pay someone’s salary who just tweeted a variation on my dumbass questions about the high cost of a gallon of gas!! I am upset that I contributed to the inanity by paying my taxes. This is the real case for tax evasion.

Heartwrenching news out of Twitter: The dumbest account alive made a semi-good joke. They Rick Rolled us. But this joke will not age well if the boy they blindly support is convicted of espionage.

The “gender studies” talking point was obviously sent out to the entire GOP caucus after news that President Biden would be forgiving $10,000 in student loan debt. Again, the utter contempt they have for their Twitter audience in infuriating. Also, who the fuck does “RT if you agree” anymore? Is this 2011?

Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

I’m not sure if I’m allowed to publish that Pirates of the Caribbean gif, so I put a square over Johnny Depp’s face, but please know the tweet is annoyingly real and was posted immediately upon a jury announcing its decision in a deeply stomach-churning public trial about domestic abuse.

I am not asking questions. I am not soliciting comments. Do NOT enlighten me. My brain is now goo after scrolling through so many @JudiciaryGOP tweets, seeing just how much they’re in love with Jim Jordan.

In all my hours becoming an expert on how the keeper of the @JudiciaryGOP Twitter account (probably Jim Jordan) thinks, I’ve learned one thing: They love a three-pronged list, as if they’re in a constant state of playing “Fuck, Marry, Kill?” instead of doing their jobs. Anyway, I guess you must marry illegal immigration, kill the spy ballon and fuck...inflation?