Only a Historic England World Cup Win Could Reunite Harry and William

It’s time for these Princes to set aside their differences for King and Country, so that England can advance to the World Cup finals. I’m sorry I don’t make the rules (and FIFA only sometimes enforces them).

Prince William and Prince Harry have been in a tiff since the latter’s frozen todger made headlines after the release of his 2023 memoir, Spare. (Yes, it really was that bad.) The rift was present before that, as evidenced in the memoir, and Harry and Meghan’s decision to step back from royal duties in 2020 didn’t help either. Since then, the brothers have operated under the same rule you might apply to a toxic situationship: a strict no-contact policy.

Harry is back on British soil this month after finally seeing the end of his legal battle against the British tabloids (Spoiler alert: He lost the case, but he didn’t have the strongest argument to begin with.) This marks his first return since King Charles’s coronation in 2023, and Meghan’s first trip back since 2022. But while the family was reuniting with His Royal Highness, William and Kate just happened to be out of office, attending William’s annual charity polo match. Afterward, America’s own beloved tabloid, People, got its hands on an exclusive detailing just how fractured Harry and William’s relationship supposedly is. Note: Read in RP accent to get the full effect.

“It’s so broken,” the insider said, while another source told the outlet, “I thought it would have perhaps eased a little bit by now, to be honest. But there has been no movement, especially on William’s side. There is no contact.” I, too, thought it would have passed by now, but then again, Spare really was that bad. However…

On Wednesday afternoon, England and Argentina go head-to-head for the chance to face Spain in the final, and assuming men only communicate emotions through sports, could a historic World Cup win for England be the thing that finally ends the dukes’ no-contact? Nothing says national unity like two estranged royal brothers putting aside their differences to defeat Lionel Messi.

The last time England’s men’s team reached the World Cup final was in 1966—the same (and only) year they won it all. So, logically, a historic win like this would AT LEAST warrant a text message: “Hey bro, did you see that goal?” or “What a bloody game. We need to talk about Father.” Even a GIF would suffice.

Update (July 15, 5:15 p.m. ET): Well, we have our answer. England will NOT advance to the finals after losing 2-1 to Argentina. These brothers just couldn’t bury the hatchet in time, and now football ain’t coming home. We’ll try again in another four years.

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