Quit Trying to Make Anti-Valentine's Day Crap Happen

By Isha Aran | February 13, 2014 | 10:50pm

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If there’s anything more annoying than full-grown adults going out of their way to celebrate their spice-scant love on Valentine’s Day, it’s full-grown adults going out of their way to celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day. Really though, it’s cool hang out with some single friends on February 14 if that’s how you do, but fuck the proactive Anti-Valentine’s Day stuff.

Nonetheless, it’s a popular and lucrative trend, and the internet is chock full of all sorts of activities to make sure anyone can wallow in the purported acridity of not having love on Valentine’s Day. Here’s a few of the more ridiculous ways that people are celebrating Anti-Valentine’s Day:

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Anti-Valentine’s Day Nail Art—For those who wear their heart on their finger tips

Beware, these subtle and legitimately cute nail designs. Maybe it’s the bitter spinster in me (it is) who knows I will never have the talent or patience necessary to do cool nail art, but why put all that effort into a half-centimeter broken heart when you can instead create a half-centimeter fire-breathing Chimera or something badass like that?!

Anti Valentine’s Day Candy—The bittersweet-toothed need to eat too

Alright, we all know that the most important part of Valentine’s day is the slightly up-marked heart-shaped candy. So you do not have a sweetheart to get you candy, or an office reception bowl of candy to swipe or a small child to steal a homemade Valentine’s mailbox from (while yelling, “FLEE TINY BABE, FOR YOU KNOW NOT THE DESPAIR OF A LOVE NOR THAT OF LOVE LOST. BE FREE, YOU BEAUTIFUL LITTLE FOOL”) you can always invest in some anti-Valentine’s candy hearts that have silly phrases like “Get Lost” and “Bite Me” on it. And the best part? You don’t have to share with anyone!

Anti-Valentine’s Day Playlists—Because apparently Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors just isn’t enough (it is)

A quick google search of “anti-Valentine’s Day playlist” probably brings up more Kelly Clarkson than one can handle in a sitting/at all ever. We all have our broken-heart playlists and our IDGAF playlists, and maybe a one that’s mix of the two, but seriously I would never wish upon anyone the type of sad loneliness in which ‘Love Stinks’ is an enjoyable song.

Ex-focused Retail—Everyday items to help you dwell on your failed relationships

We’ve all seen some kind of ex-related gag gift, whether at a Spencer’s Gifts or at an Urban Outfitters (expensive Spencer’s). Retail items that play up the bitter/crazy ex-lover trope can be all sorts of uncomfortable—case in point: the Ex Knife Set. It’s knife set with a holder that is shaped like a human so that when you put your knives back, it’s like you’re stabbing a person. UM, WHAT. Sure it’s a smirk-worthy item when it’s online and far away, but in general, it seems like a safer choice to leave the homicidal tendencies in a good game of Fuck, Marry, Kill.

Anti-Valentine’s Day retail FOR YOUR DOG—Why suffer loneliness alone?

There is hardly anything on this planet purer than a dog’s love (maybe a cat’s indifference). So it seems especially cruel to 1) pervert that pure love with something so human as a grudge and 2) make that perversion into a shirt and put it on your poor dog. Seriously, I cannot think of a dog-grievance so severe as to warrant being a display for an owner’s forlorn sense of humor.

Anti-Valentine’s Day Parties—Like a Hot Topic-themed baby shower

Singles parties can be a fun time on Valentine’s Day, but Anti-Valentine’s Day parties are a bit much, whether you’re going to an event or hosting one yourself. How does one exactly celebrate singlehood? Isn’t is sort of just like celebrating your salary or your health? Anti-Valentine’s Day parties put a lot of effort into commemorating resentment in creative ways like supplying a shredder for the “defaced pictures of your ex?” Or reading off quotes about heartbreak and trying to guess who said it. Come one, the company is there, the booze is there, so why try to focus on break-ups when you can just have a good time?

A lot of us are going to be single on Valentine’s Day, but being single does not mean being anti-Valentine’s. So this Friday, get down how you want to get down. Go out with your single friends or your significant other/s and get trashed, stay in and play Settlers of Catan while going through the Now That’s What I Call Music discography, find love or lust, or don’t do anything at all. But please don’t play into the cartoonish idea of a single person, bitter at those who have found love. Just do you.

On that note, if anyone needs me I’ll be devising a business plan for my year-round Break-Up Party Service, complete with Elliott Smith karaoke, Pin the Tail on the Asshole (featuring a picture of your ex), a human-shaped punching bag (also with a picture of your ex), and a person (wearing a mask with your ex’s picture on it) who will take all of the verbal abuse and embittered anger you can hurl and then then hold you while you cry as Mariah Carey’s “We Belong Together” plays on repeat.