This Week in Tabloids: Jaden Smith & the Jenner Sisters Join a Cult

PLASTIC SURGERY SECRETS OF THE STARS

Here is a 6-page long spread of “plastic surgery secrets of the stars,” a feature in which plastic surgeons guess which stars have had work done. Their guesses are as good as yours! Here are some of them: Lindsay Lohan has had her lips and nose done; Kim Kardashian has as well; Simon Cowell gets Botox; oh my god this is so boring. Moving on: Taylor Swift is encouraging Selena Gomez to write songs about Justin for profit and revenge. This is something I’d like to hear and zealously over-analyze (they’re allegedly “slow, sad breakup songs”). In other news, Kim and Kanye are having a “war” over their prenup even though their wedding is like tomorrow. The reason this is taking so long is because they have SO MUCH MONEY and that’s a lot of math, I think. Anyway, elsewhere in the mag, Brad and Angelina’s relationship is “in trouble” because they went to a concert in Hollywood and didn’t fornicate on the floor: “They were not affectionate at all,” says a fellow concertgoer. “There was no PDA the entire evening.” Maybe because a concertgoer was staring at them eagerly??? Just spitballing here. Next: the Kardashian family hates Khloe’s new boyfriend French Montana because he raps about drugs and has been arrested, so they’re working in secret to tear their love apart while acting friendly (i.e., including him in selfies) on the surface. He and Khloe like to go to parties a lot, which is something we’re supposed to be worried about. Also, we guess the magazine closed before the Solange-Jay Z fight video footage came out? Because Life & Style examines Bey and Jay’s body language at two basketball games — one in November 2012 and one last week — and finds that they’re “much happier now.” (This is the same game at which some tabloids noticed that Beyoncé may have had her Jay Z tattoo removed. Oops!). Two pages later, there’s an article about how Beyoncé is taking style notes from Solange which states that the two are “best friends” and “more alike than ever before.” Double oops.

GRADE: F (sitting through 12 hours of dental surgery)

PREGNANT AGAIN!

Yo, if Angelina is knocked up, it really would be a “miracle” — because Star is so rarely correct. FYI, this mag has used “Angelina pregnant again” several times. In 2009 it was a “world exclusive“; in 2012, she was “98 lbs, pregnant and headed to rehab“, and 2013 she was pregnant with boy. (Fig. 4) Star is the magazine who cried knocked up. Anyway, this report claims she has a “newly rounded physique” and “radiant, healthy glow” because she did IVF and is two months along. Congrats? Also inside: Dean “cheated” on Tori recently by “flirting” with a woman interviewing to be a nanny. The “flirting” involved him making a comment about how she’d have to change into workout clothes to keep up with the kids, which doesn’t sounds like flirting at all, but whatever. Next, there’s a cute anecdote about Amy Poehler giving up her first class seat for a mom in coach with an infant. Couples news: Robert Pattinson is dating British model Imogen Kerr; Jared Leto is dating Dutch model Dimphy Janse, and Anne Hathaway is a “food nazi” because she scolded her husband when he ate a treat after a workout. “She told him to throw it out,” a “spy” tells the mag,” and of course he did what she said.” Wince. Finally, the most delightful tale in this issue is the one titled “Hollywood’s Dangerous Kiddie Cult.” Moises Arias, Willow and Jaden Smith and Those Darn Jenner Sisters are all into Osho, apparently. Jaden, especially, is into the teachings of the “controversial cult leader” and the copy here actually reads “these ‘lost kids’ are starting a new Hollywood cult of their own.” (Fig. 5) Since Osho was addicted to Valium and nitrous and got deported in 1985 and members of his cult were convicted of a bioterror attack after infecting 751 people with salmonella, the editors believe these Hollywood kids are “headed down a very frightening road.” Everyone stop meditating and panic!

GRADE: D- (sitting through one hour of a cult leader’s rant)

“THEIR UNTOLD LOVE STORY”

Ok, here’s something you might not know: When Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis met on the set of That 70s Show in 1998, he was 20 and she was 15. Even thought they kissed on the show, kept the relationship “strictly professional” until 2002, when they had a one-night fling. Then they decided they should just be friends. Six years after the show ended, in 2012, they ran into each other at a reunion taping at IT WAS ON. Adorable and romcommie. Let’s move on. Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson will get married Fourth of July weekend, and — hang on to your pearls — she will NOT wear white. (Insert head explosion gif here.) While in Memphis earlier this month, Prince Harry hooked up with a woman from a “wealthy family in Tennessee.” Attention Callie Khouri: Please turn this into a Nashville plotline ASAP, thank you very much. Finally, according to a source in a piece about Angelina and Brad, the couple recently left the kids at home at their Los Feliz estate and checked into the Hotel Bel-Air, 12 miles away, and didn’t come out of the room all day. These two are, in the immortal words of LL Cool J, doin’ it, and doin’ it, and doin’ it well.

GRADE: D (sitting through a Two and a Half Men marathon)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4: vintage issues of Star — 2009, 2012, 2013

Fig. 5, from Star