This Week In Tabloids: Jesse's Hitler Pose & Foursome; Angie's Kids Call Her "The Dragon"

Every Wednesday, we do Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I sample the flavors in the weekly gossip tabloids. This week: Jesse James poses as Hitler and has a foursome with someone named Skittles.

Ok!
“New Moms Fight Back!”
Kendra and Kourtney continue to get tabloid covers for reasons we cannot explain. This week we learned that Hank Sr. changes diapers, and when Kendra was in NYC, Hank texted her a picture of the baby’s poop. Kendra says of parenting: “You have to talk about the birds and the bees, the drugs and the alcohol. Hank Jr. is going to want to try it once. And I’d rather him drink a beer in front of my face than not.” Um, okay. As for Kourtney, she says “Scott and I are together and very happy. Period.” Why yes, this is painfully boring. Moving on: Sandra Bullock will have a “secret meeting” with stepdaughter Sunny soon; Sandra wants to reassure Sunny that she’ll always love her and be there for her. Next: Dancing With The Stars contestants Shannen Doherty and Pamela Anderson “cannot stand each other.” “Each of them likes to think they are the bigger star than the other.” Margaret asks, “Aren’t they kind of equally washed up?” Taylor Swift is “torn between two loves”: Cory Monteith Finn from Glee and Taylor Lautner. But the Taylors are “just good friends,” while Taylor and Cory have been quietly dating. An insider says: “Taylor has a good thing going with Cory. He’s handsome and successful, and he treats her like a princesss.” In other snoozefest news, we have details and pictures from Bethenny Frankel’s wedding. They got married at the Four Seasons restaurant; her mermaid-style dress is by Amsale (see image 7); the Housewives who attended were Ramona Singer and Alex McCord; the first song was to Alicia Keys’ “No One.” Boring, and kinda trashy.
Grade: F (nickname “Milk Dud”)

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Us
“Sandra Fights Back!”
The story here is fairly devoid of new information, except for the picture of Jesse James doing the Heil Hitler salute. Funny how last week, Us had the photo but “declined to publish it,” and this week it makes an appearance (see image 8). Did the asking price drop? Mark Brunetz, whom you may know from Clean House, went to college with Sandra Bullock and is her former assistant. He tells the mag: “Coming off the Oscar win, Sandy deserved this time to celebrate. And she deserved to have her husband be a part of it.” A different “friend” says: “[Sandra] says all of his employees knew, and she feels duped by them, too.” Very unexciting stuff. Next: Are Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt “Living The Same Life?” (see image 9) They both both have houses in France! And beards! The Katie Holmes photo captioned “baby bump or flowy top?” made us giggle. “Star Look-Alikes” exposes doppelgangers Leonardo DiCaprio and Eric Dane, as well as Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Javier Bardem (see image 10). How come Lisa Edelstein/Rena Sofer/Claire Forlani didn’t make the list? Taylor Swift and Cory Monteith were seen holding hands, and at one point “she snuggled into him.” The subhead on the Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian story reads: “The On-Again Off-Again Couple Is Off. Again.” Which is all you need to know. Pamela Anderson was asked to wear panties on DWTS, says a source: “She had to, but she didn’t want to.” Lastly, a quote from Madonna regarding daughter Lourdes: The question was,”Does she tell you how to dress?” Madonna says: “Uh, yeah! Like every day! You don’t want to be caught in the glare of Lola! Sometimes I change — and sometimes I stand up to her, dammit!”
Grade: D- (nickname “Butterfinger”)

In Touch
“The Real Angelina Exposed.”
It’s all part of the plot to vilify Angelina Jolie. In an exclusive interview Brad and Angelina’s former bodyguard — who will only give his first name, Bill — tells the mag that Angie is “totally psycho.” She can’t deal with the kids crying, and says, “When they’re restless, the nannies are called in to take over immediately. She is not moved by tears.” She frequently told even her youngest children to “toughen up” and has a “quirky habit” of “giggling when the babies cry.” In the beginning of Brad and Angie’s relationship, says Bill, there was “a lot of laughing and spontaneous sex.” Now she says stuff like “Are you going to wear that shirt again today?” and asks him when he’s going to learn to pick up after himself. She tells him he’s like one of the kids (Didn’t we see this in a paper towel commercial?) When Angelina’s yelling gets to be too much, Brad will put her on speakerphone and walk away from the phone. She would often refer to Brad and his friends as “the stoners,” and sometimes call Brad “the pretty boy.” Angelina carefully plans photo ops to make them all seem like one big happy family, which she calls “spin trips.” There’s also a box (see image 11) in which three photos are meant to illustrate that Angie is a sullen mom who disappears when the kids start crying, even though we’ve seen pictures from the same day in which Angie seemed happy and very hands-on. Maybe she “disappeared” because she had to work? In addition, Angelina has been having “steamy phone sex and cybersex” with former flame Jenny Shimizu — more than once within the past few months. Angie’s “sexual fetishes” include “black latex, role-playing and masturbating.” The mag spoke to former Waldorf-Astoria maid Anna Kowalski, who says: “She was always snapping at them, so once, when she left the room, Pax and Maddox called her ‘The Dragon.’ They started running around the room with play swords, yelling, ‘Slay the dragon, slay the dragon.'” Honestly? This sounds very typical-mom to us. Oh, and by the way, Brad is a “broken man” (see image 12) who has gone from a “golden god” to a “bearded mess.” Moving on: Sandra Bullock “considers Sunny her daughter,” and met with an attorney not to protect her own assets, but to find out about some kind of custody of Sunny. Lady Gaga is “unofficially engaged” to Haus Of Gaga’s Matthew Williams. The mag has taken the initiative to find some insane white dresses Gaga could wear on her big day. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston is on a promotional tour in Europe for The Bounty Hunter, but since she is in Paris, the headline here is “Jen’s Reliving Her Past With Brad.” The copy here reads: “And as a clear message to Brad, Jennifer spent her weekend in the most romantic city in the world, visiting the places that remind her of the love of her life, whom she divorced in 2005.” See, in 2004, Jen and Brad went to some Parisian restaurant called Le Stresa, and this week, “the second Jen’s plane landed,” she went to Le Stresa. In 2004,Brad and Jen took a boat ride on the Seine; this week she took a similar cruise with Gerard Butler. She can’t let go!
Grade: D+ (nickname “Pixy Stix”)

Star
“What Sandra Saw.”
You know what Sandra saw on Jesse’s computer? Porn. Lots of porn. When Sandra was packing up to move out, she picked up his laptop instead of hers by accident. She saw stuff “she never thought her husband would be into.” Such as: “Naked women in disgusting poses.” And: “Explicit photos of women in leather, lace, latex and more.” And Sandra was “shocked” to see Jesse in a video, watching two women having sex. The copy here reads: “She’s traded Oscar gowns for ratty yoga clothes, and glitzy parties for long nights of tears. Insiders say she goes days without washing her hair, chain-smokes instead of eating and hits the red wine hard every night.” A source says: “She’s lost so much weight — almost 15 lbs. She’s a wreck.” There’s also another “mistress,” Gina, but there are not a lot of details about her her — just that she spent a lot of time with Jesse and even met Sandra, who thought she was just a female friend. “I always assumed Sandra knew Jesse was fooling around. She was never home and he’s a guy.” Let’s move on. Debra Messing is living in L.A., and she’s about to shoot a new TV series, but her husband is in NYC, where he’s a writer/producer for the TV show Damages; the headline is “Living Separate Lives!” There’s a picture of Debra without a wedding ring, and the caption “The ring is off!” — but Debra is walking on a beach in Mexico. Inconclusive. Blind item: “Which starlet has a really good fake ID? The 19-year-old cable-TV actress was carded at a recent LA bash, but passed inspection and headed straight up to the bar for a big gulp.” In Lady Gaga news, she refused to take off her stilettos on a visit to a Liverpool bowling alley, and the place is stuck “paying millions” to refinish the floors she scuffed. Tori Spelling is “skin and bones.” Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner may get back together — she felt like he was a little young for her, but thinks he is becoming more mature and might give the relationship another go. On the other hand, Cory Monteith is older (27) and more of a challenge for Taylor, which she likes. Remember the night Lindsay Lohan fell into a cactus? That night, “She was wasted and causing such a scene, talking loudly and making extended trips to the bathroom,” says an eyewitness. She knocked over some cups and followed Jesse McCartney around. A few nights before, she hooked up with Adam Senn even though he was with someone else — “she screamed in the girl’s face until she left without Adam,” says a source. The mag says it’s well known that Lindsay Lohan is into cocaine, but hints that she’s “moved on to harder drugs,” quoting a source who claims to have seen her “nodding off.” Angelina “secretly contacted” Brad’s “longtime friend” Robert Downey Jr. about costarring in a sci-fi thriller called Gravity. A source says, “Brad was embarrassed that she only found out that she was lobbying to do the movie because Robert mentioned it to him in passing.” Lastly, the next season of Jersey Shore will include more nudity and a trip to Italy to see “real Italians.” And: Producers of Jersey Shore want one of the female stars to get pregnant during the second season. They’re offering a $500,000 bonus for the female castmember who agrees to get knocked up. Snooki might be up for it. She says in a quote that might be unrelated: “I want twins!”
Grade: C- (nickname “Snickers”)

Life & Style
“How I Lost 33 Pounds.”
Kourtney Kardashian gained 40 lbs. during her pregnancy, and has now lost “an astounding” 33. She dropped 12 lbs. immediately — because she gave birth. She says: “When I was pregnant, I didn’t really do sit-ups.” We do not need to know this, or that she is a 32F bra size. Next. The Jesse James/Sandra Bullock story here is titled “Jesse Puts Sandra’s Life At Risk.” They’re alluding to STDs! See, Jesse James had a foursome. This is what happened: Last June, while Sandra was in New York promoting The Proposal, Jesse James and Michelle McGee went to a place called Ocean Beach Tattoo & Piercing. There, a tattoo artist named Eric McDougall filled in one of Jesse’s tattoos. Then Michelle went to a liquor store and returned with booze to “lighten the mood.” Michelle kissed receptionist Skittles Valentine (see image 13), and then they all — Skittles, Eric, Jesse and Michelle — found their way to the shop’s back room. Eric says: “Jesse and Michelle both wanted Skittles.” At this point we stopped reading, because we were laughing so hard, but eventually went back to the story: Michelle and Jesse had sex, and Skittles says: “Eric and I were having sex, so we switched off, and Jesse and I had sex.” She notes: “I had an awesome time. I think Jesse is so cute.” Taste the rainbow? The foursome ended when Michelle got jealous of Skittles spending too much time with Jesse — and the two ladies “ended up in a hair-pulling, knock-down fight.” Eric can’t recall if he used protection, but the consensus seems to be that Jesse did not use a condom. “Maybe I used a latex glove,” says Eric. “I don’t know. Sometimes, as a last-case scenario, I tie a latex glove finger off.” Eric suggests that Sandra get tested for STDs and HIV. There’s a quote here from some lady at Planned Parenthood, who reminds us all to get tested if we have engaged in risky behavior. But wait: There’s more! Jesse James went to the San Diego club where Michelle McGee is a stripper four times last summer, paying $400 an hour to take her into the “VIP” room. Once she bragged about giving him oral sex, and when she was done, he grabbed another one of the girls — “He was pretty aggressive with her.” He wanted her to blow him, but “it looked like she used her hand instead,” says an eyewitness. The good news is, the infamous couch has been removed from the West Coast Choppers offices. Let’s move on. Dakota Fanning says: “When I was 11, my mom made me sign a contract, and it says, ‘I will not ever get a tattoo.'” Kate Gosselin is trying to become friends with Pamela Anderson on the set of DWTS, thinking it will help her career, but Pam is “laughing at her behind her back.” Meanwhile, Kate is giving Niecy Nash the cold shoulder, because she knows NN has talked about her on The Insider. “Niecy also goes against everything Kate stands for: Niecy is ‘take me as I am,’ while Kate supposedly loves plastic surgery.” Finally: Is Christina Aguliera’s marriage Jordan Bratman in trouble? She hasn’t been wearing her ring.
Grade: C, downgraded C- for burying the foursome for a crap cover story (nickname “Skittles”)

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