This Week in Tabloids: Kanye Didn't Give Kim a Blingy Push Present

“I Just Can’t Do This!”

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian might have given birth to their baby girl, but absolutely nothing has changed in their world, according to gossip magazines. Kanye is still a douche, Kim is still concerned about her uncertain, “lonely” future, and they are probably going their separate ways (said no one, but this is the mag’s take). The usual: Kanye is so focused on his new CD and he is just promoting it, Kim is vain, she can’t wait to get back to plastic surgery. Regurgitating previous material does not qualify as news. Moving on! Blake Shelton’s “rocky” marriage with Miranda Lambert is making him into a lardy-lard. According to the magazine, he has been drinking and eating more, which is making him “husky,” which clearly means fatter. Newsflash: Amanda Bynes is all an act. She is more coherent and smarter in real life. Britney spears allegedly had a pregnancy scare because she allegedly told friends that she and her boyfriend thought that they were pregnant for an alleged minute of their lives. Phew, take breath. In an interview with Kelly Rowland, she clears the air about the “Dirty Laundry” song — it’s not about Beyonce, it’s about her struggles. But more importantly, she reveals that her porn name would be Chi-Chi Barbara (childhood street + childhood pet). Finally, here’s something we actually like: Instead of fat-shaming “worst” beach bodies, there’s a spread on “curvy” ladies strutting confidently on the beach. (Fig. 1)

Grade: D (furry strawberry)

“Inside Kim’s Dramatic Delivery”

As always, Us is the diplomatic tabloid, in bed with the Kardashians, and this “BABY JOY!” story has a positive spin on the birth: Kanye was more nervous than Kim and asked a lot of questions in the delivery room; when he saw the infant his “heart melted” and “he was speechless for a good five minutes.” Kim was scared, but is now “totally in love” with baby Kwest. The baby will have a nurse — who will wear a custom black and white uniform — for the first year, and Kim will breastfeed for the first month. To be clear, although there’s a posed image on the cover and a seemingly exclusive quote (“my first days as a mom”) this is not a post-natal interview with Kim. The end. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston’s $21 million estate in Bel Air has a chicken coop, so def go to her house for your hangover frittatta needs. Katie Couric and Matt Lauer are having “secret reunion talks” and he might show up on her talk show. Finally, Selena Gomez and Brit gingersnap Ed Sheeran are “hooking up,” which we’ll assume means playing songs on the guitar together because thinking about under-21 P in V just seems wrong.

Grade: B- (brown banana)

“Delivery Room Diva!”

Here’s a completely different take on the birth of baby Kimye: The Keeping Up With the Kardashians camera crew was in the delivery room — just as Kim had planned, all along. Kanye was “enraged” about being “blindsided.” Kris Jenner told Kanye to butt out, that she was in control, and regulated who could or could not be in the room. Meanwhile, Kim was lying on 1,000 thread count pink Egyptian cotton sheets in a $4,030-a-night hospital suite and had her hairstylist and makeup artist by her side. Plus, a source we’ll assume is a bedpan claims: “She gave birth in designer heels!” An “insider” says that Kim announced she “would absolutely not be breast-feeding” since her body had already gone through so much. Also, Kim had planned on getting lipo and a tummy tuck after giving birth, but Kanye — whose mother died during cosmetic surgery — got pissed about that too. To make matters worse, Kim thought she was going to get an engagement ring as a push present. Didn’t happen. Whoops. As always, consider the source on this! Moving on: Miley Cyrus is “a wreck” over her parents’ divorce. A plastic surgeon who does not treat Madonna “suspects” she’s had some work done, cough cough (Fig. 2). Gwyneth Paltrow and Taylor Swift are BFFs now — GP sees TSwizzle as a sister and Taylor idolizes Goopy, and wants “a proper Englishman” for herself. So Gwyneth is gonna set Taylor up. Penn Badgley and Zoë Kravitz broke up because she’s bisexual and he “wouldn’t wrap his head around it.” Ryan Reynolds wants to have a baby ASAP but Blake Lively is not quite ready — but that’s why he and ScarJo split, so Blake is promising the 36-year-old actor he will be a daddy by 40. Tony Goldwyn and Kerry Washington are “too flirty” between takes on Scandal and his wife is NOT happy. Selena Gomez burst into tears when some fools at a radio station asked her about Justin Bieber. Finally: Lindsay Lohan had a friend smuggle Adderall into rehab for her — which means she failed a drug test and got an employee in trouble for not catching the dude who hid the pills. Plus: She hooked up with a fellow patient in the bathroom when he lied and told her he was Robert De Niro’s son and snuck a cell phone in against the rules to make secret calls. She probably asked someone to Google “De Niro’s kids.”

Grade: C (sour grapes)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Star