This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton's Teeth Have Been Micro-Rotated To Perfection
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we nibble on the tasty goodies provided by the celebrity tabloids, and then grade In Touch, Star, Us, Ok! and Life & Style for deliciousness and freshness. Today: The Kardashian Kollection, sold at Sears, is made by impoverished folks working in sweat shops; one of the ladies from Teen Mom is pregnant again; and Kate Middleton’s beauty is a result of genes, eyebrow sculpting and artful dentistry.
Ok!
“Who’s Losing Their Baby”
Grammarians, is this proper English? Who is losing their baby? Or should it be “who is losing her baby?” Anyway. In the interest of full disclosure, I skipped these stories, because the way I feel about the Teen Moms can be summed up thusly. Moving on! Angelina and Brad “want a new baby in 2012,” and she “jokes about triplets constantly” and is “determined” and “dead set on giving the kids a baby brother or sister as soon as possible.” Kim Kardashian’s “pregnancy bombshell” is that she wants to have a baby with her ex, Reggie Bush. And finally, when Marc Anthony found out that his kids were hanging out in Hawaii with Jennifer Lopez and her new boyfriend, Casper Smart, Marc “hit the roof.” The divorce is “real ugly right now,” because J.Lo wants full custody of the kids, but Marc is “putting up a fight.” Kind of feels like we’ve heard this before.
Grade: F (reindeer turd)
Life & Style
“A Wedding & A Baby!”
Britney Spears is engaged! Jason is “her knight in shining armor.” A source claims, “When Britney marries Jason, she’ll do it the right way because she felt her wedding to Kevin was rushed.” And that other Jason Alexander thing? Cough. Anyway, the “baby” part of this story comes from a friend who says: “Britney wants a daughter.” She loves her two boys, but thinks it would be great to have a little girl — “a little me.” Sweet. Also inside: Taylor Swift is “shedding pounds at an alarming rate.” The before and after pix (see Fig. 1) claim that she “used to have curves” and now “her bones are showing,” but you can see a clavicle in both images… and there’s nothing wrong with that. Still, a Nashville source says, “I have never seen her eat.” Tom Cruise wants you to go see Mission Impossible Ghost Booty Call so badly he’s pumped his face full of Botox and fillers and endured a chemical peel. (See Fig. 2) Kate Middleton has also fiddled with her face, with “Botox in a jar” and tooth straightening. A dentist did some “micro-rotations” on her choppers, which apparently cost $17,200. But mostly she just looks more mature thanks to elegant makeup and fuller brows (see Fig. 3). Last, but not least: I am of the opinion that everyone looks better with retro hair. Everyone. (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D- (moldy fruitcake)
Us
“Marc’s Threat To Take The Kids.”
When Marc Anthony found out that Jennifer Lopez took the kids, Max and Emme, on a Hawaiian vacation with her new “boy toy,” Casper Smart, Marc “hit the roof,” says a source. Now Marc is not speaking to J.Lo. Originally he was willing to give her full custody of the kids, but now he is going back on his word and saying he wants joint custody. Mostly he’s pissed that she’s having fun with someone new. Meanwhile, as you may know, Marc has two sons with his ex-wife Dayanara Torres and a 17-year-old daughter with former fiancée Debbie Rosado. “The kids are not a priority to him” a source claims, “But Marc is nasty and knows that this is Jennifer’s weakness.” Also inside: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are not hooking up — that story about him petting her head was “majorly exaggerated,” but! There is chemistry. Raise your hand if you think they make a good couple and/or deserve each other. Gemini-Libra love match!
Grade: D (cheap candy cane)