This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton's Teeth Have Been Micro-Rotated To Perfection

By Dodai Stewart | December 21, 2011 | 11:30pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we nibble on the tasty goodies provided by the celebrity tabloids, and then grade In Touch, Star, Us, Ok! and Life & Style for deliciousness and freshness. Today: The Kardashian Kollection, sold at Sears, is made by impoverished folks working in sweat shops; one of the ladies from Teen Mom is pregnant again; and Kate Middleton’s beauty is a result of genes, eyebrow sculpting and artful dentistry.

Ok!
“Who’s Losing Their Baby”
Grammarians, is this proper English? Who is losing their baby? Or should it be “who is losing her baby?” Anyway. In the interest of full disclosure, I skipped these stories, because the way I feel about the Teen Moms can be summed up thusly. Moving on! Angelina and Brad “want a new baby in 2012,” and she “jokes about triplets constantly” and is “determined” and “dead set on giving the kids a baby brother or sister as soon as possible.” Kim Kardashian’s “pregnancy bombshell” is that she wants to have a baby with her ex, Reggie Bush. And finally, when Marc Anthony found out that his kids were hanging out in Hawaii with Jennifer Lopez and her new boyfriend, Casper Smart, Marc “hit the roof.” The divorce is “real ugly right now,” because J.Lo wants full custody of the kids, but Marc is “putting up a fight.” Kind of feels like we’ve heard this before.
Grade: F (reindeer turd)

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Life & Style
“A Wedding & A Baby!”
Britney Spears is engaged! Jason is “her knight in shining armor.” A source claims, “When Britney marries Jason, she’ll do it the right way because she felt her wedding to Kevin was rushed.” And that other Jason Alexander thing? Cough. Anyway, the “baby” part of this story comes from a friend who says: “Britney wants a daughter.” She loves her two boys, but thinks it would be great to have a little girl — “a little me.” Sweet. Also inside: Taylor Swift is “shedding pounds at an alarming rate.” The before and after pix (see Fig. 1) claim that she “used to have curves” and now “her bones are showing,” but you can see a clavicle in both images… and there’s nothing wrong with that. Still, a Nashville source says, “I have never seen her eat.” Tom Cruise wants you to go see Mission Impossible Ghost Booty Call so badly he’s pumped his face full of Botox and fillers and endured a chemical peel. (See Fig. 2) Kate Middleton has also fiddled with her face, with “Botox in a jar” and tooth straightening. A dentist did some “micro-rotations” on her choppers, which apparently cost $17,200. But mostly she just looks more mature thanks to elegant makeup and fuller brows (see Fig. 3). Last, but not least: I am of the opinion that everyone looks better with retro hair. Everyone. (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D- (moldy fruitcake)

Us
“Marc’s Threat To Take The Kids.”
When Marc Anthony found out that Jennifer Lopez took the kids, Max and Emme, on a Hawaiian vacation with her new “boy toy,” Casper Smart, Marc “hit the roof,” says a source. Now Marc is not speaking to J.Lo. Originally he was willing to give her full custody of the kids, but now he is going back on his word and saying he wants joint custody. Mostly he’s pissed that she’s having fun with someone new. Meanwhile, as you may know, Marc has two sons with his ex-wife Dayanara Torres and a 17-year-old daughter with former fiancée Debbie Rosado. “The kids are not a priority to him” a source claims, “But Marc is nasty and knows that this is Jennifer’s weakness.” Also inside: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are not hooking up — that story about him petting her head was “majorly exaggerated,” but! There is chemistry. Raise your hand if you think they make a good couple and/or deserve each other. Gemini-Libra love match!
Grade: D (cheap candy cane)

In Touch
“Ashley & JP’s Dream Wedding”
Nope! Didn’t read the cover story. Not sorry about it, either. Also inside: Instead of dragging her man to Mexico for Christmas, Jennifer Aniston is throwing a party at her New York City apartment, and inviting all of Justin Theroux’s friends and family. Saying no to Cabo is how you know it’s true love. Scott “American Psycho” Disick is planning on ditching Kourtney Kardashian — and their son, Mason, and the new baby — and moving back to New York. He’s looking at clubs to invest in and hoping to launch a reality career of his own. Kourtney should only really be worried if he puts on a raincoat and starts playing Huey Lewis and The News. 19-year-old divorcée Leah Messer from Teen Mom is pregnant. The daddy of her third child is a dude named Jeremy. Lady Gaga is dating the hot werewolf from Vampire Diaries, Taylor Kinney, but his ex says she dumped him “after he accidentally pocket-dialed her from his cell phone during an illicit date with Gaga in September.” The chick says, “I could hear her telling him that he was ‘sexy and creative.'” The ex says Kinney is dishonest and disloyal and Gags had better watch out. BREAKING IMPORTANT NEWS: Kingston and Zuma Rossdale fashion showcase showdown! (See Fig.5) If you’re interested in proof that Jacqueline Laurita from RHONJ used to be a stripper at Glitter Gulch in Las Vegas, you’ll find the documents in this mag. A “friend” says that Fergie is “in the very early stages of pregnancy.” Justin Bieber has been secretly hanging out at the Playboy Mansion, watching movies and attending private parties. Blerg. Just thinking about the cooties in the grotto. Everyone loves a printed “oopsie,” and this “callout here tk here” is a pretty good one. (See Fig. 6) Last, but certainly not least: A Very Giudice Christmas. Plaid is the new pink. (See Fig. 7)
Grade: C (gingerbread crumbs)

Star
“Kardashian Sweatshop Scandal”
As mentioned earlier, children as young as 16 are living in squalid factory-run dorms, working 84 hours during 7-day work weeks to make leopard print jumpsuits for the Kardashian Kollection. A watchdog organization calls it “slave labor,” since a Kardashian Kollection $127 motorcycle jackets are stitched one by one by impoverished workers earning $1 an hour. (Kim earned about $5,179 per hour for her wedding and 72-day marriage to Kris Humprhies.) Many of the workers are in non-air-conditioned factories where the temperatures get up to 100° F. The workers can’t listen to music, stand up and stretch, and must ask for permission to stop and use the bathroom. Terrible. Moving on! Justin Timberlake gave three valets each crisp $100 bills at Madeo in West Hollywood recently. Everyone loves a Christmas tipper! Nicole Richie and Joel Madden’s marriage is in “crisis,” since he has to go to Australia to be on the panel of The Voice and she has a reality show, Fashion Star, beginning in 2012. “Nicole complains all the time that she feels like a single parent, an unnamed insider claims. Zooey Deschanel and Justin Long were spotted sitting very close and laughing a lot at a bistro in L.A. earlier this month. An adorkable couple to root for. Angelina Jolie has a “mystery illness.” She is eating, but the weight is falling off of her, and she’s constantly exhausted. “Sometimes Brad will find clumps of hair in the bathroom,” says a source. Tapeworm? Maybe she cleans out her brush regularly?
Grade: A- (tree-shaped cookies with sprinkles)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Life & Style

Fig. 5, from In Touch

Fig. 6, from In Touch

Fig. 7, from In Touch