This Week In Tabloids: Rihanna & Ryan Phillippe Play Put the P In The V
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for hot, steaming gossip in the pages of the celerity weeklies. That’s right, we read In Touch, Star, Us, Life & Style and Ok! So you don’t “have” to. This week: Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are probably about to get engaged since he likes her muscular arms; Miley Cyrus has stopped speaking to her dad; and Rihanna is making Ryan Phillippe say oh na na what’s my name.
Ok!
“How I Lost 10 Lbs. In 2 Weeks”
Oh look! How novel. Kendra is talking about her body. Quoth she: “By eating ultra-small portions with mostly protein and working out hard, you can lose a lot of weight fast.” Paging the ORLY Owl. ORLY Owl to the white courtesy phone, please. Next: Cameron Diaz and A-Rod might be getting engaged! A longtime friend says that Cammie D has commitment-phobia, but will move in with A-Rod anyway. He’s asked her to marry him twice! Cameron’s “friend” shares some other info we didn’t want to know: “I think their main attraction is their mutually ferocious sexual appetite.” Ho-kay. Brad and Angelina are “settling down” in New York City. They’re looking for a TEN bedroom townhouse. TEN. Their last place was “too small” at eight bedrooms. Dude. Those kids need to share. Even with the nannies, the family only needs four or five rooms. Put all the boys in one and the girls in the other and then have a nursery and a guest room. Or make all the kids sleep in the same room, like in Peter Pan! Jesus. Anyway, Brad and Angie need so many rooms because they plan on extending their family after they get married. ALLEGEDLY. The mag provides a handy map (see Fig. 1), showing all the “awkward” run-ins Brad and Angelina can have with Jennifer Aniston when all of them are living in Manhattan, because this town’s not big enough for the three of them. Lastly: Kim Kardashian is in love, but not pregnant, if you care.
Grade: F (cold dishwater)
Life & Style
“Baby Joy And Drama!”
Kim Zolciak has baby joy! But when asked if she sings “Tardy To The Party” to her baby, she replies “no.” It’s a happy, bubbly, boring interview, and in the pictures, her wig looks like it’s about to fall off. A Photoshoppy photo titled “Kim Loves Her Changing Body” comes with arrows pointing to her boobs, “fuller face” and “expanding belly.” Kourtney Kardashian has “$3 million baby” because Mason is “the breakout star” of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. An owner of a model management company says Mason’s “personality shines through in all of his pictures.” Wow! Natalie Portman is in the “baby drama” category, because her “seemingly perfect relationship” with Benjamin Millipede (yes, we know it’s Millepied, but we prefer the American/arthropodic spelling and pronunciation) is under attack because folks think he’s with her for the wrong reasons. He’s been called a social climber and a “great schmoozer,” and someone close to Benjamin says, “If I were Natalie Portman’s mother, I would be scared for my daughter.” Apparently Millipede loves to shack up with ladies and then peace out; he’s known as a player in the ballet world, and was engaged, in the past, to someone he was with for 10 years, but always tries to “upgrade” women. Allegedly. If you would like to gawk at a $90,000 engagement ring furnished for The Bachelor, see fig. 2. Matthew Morrison and Olivia Munn are all up in each others’ business and making out in public and a source says they’ve known each other for years. Good news: Mary Murphy from So You Think You Can Dance is cancer-free. Kelly Osbourne is drinking again. A “friend” says that ever since she broke up with her ex-fiancé, she’s been hitting the bottle. She’s fine for now, this pal claims, but given her history, there’s concern it could escalate into a problem. Lastly, Jessica Simpson was heard talking about her armpit hair at the Polo Lounge in the Beverly Hills Hotel. She says, “I tried to get it waxed, but “I really don’t care, because my man doesn’t mind.” Aww.
Grade: D- (cool, oily chicken soup)