This Week In Tabloids: Shiloh & Suri Forced To Be Friends; Katie Forced To Diet

Us
“Bachelor Revenge!”
Margaret says she read the whole story and found it “boring and stupid and made-up.” Apparently after they filmed After The Final Rose Melissa Rycroft sent Jason Mesnick emails that were leaked online. (By her, one assumes?) In them she said: “I can’t believe you did that to me publicly. I can’t even tell you how much respect I lost for you. Seeing the person that you became you are right: A relationship between you are I would never work.” That is like when someone dumps you and you say, “No, I am dumping you!” Moving on: A sidebar about celebrity babysitters reveals which stars sat for other stars: William H. Macy used to babysit for Jeremy Piven; Kristen Bell used to babysit Hayden Panettiere; Alice Cooper used to babysit for Keanu Reeves; Michael Bolton used to watch Paula Abdul. Next: Nadya Suleman, known in this mag as “Octomom,” wrote a letter to her 14 kids (?!?) and Us hired a handwriting analyst to study it. Because Suleman didn’t loop her “G,” she has unfulfilled wishes and dreams. Sad! But hopefully her “wishes” aren’t for more kids. Oh, so the video of her giving birth is being shopped for $1 million and apparently Suleman wanted it shot so her other kids could see the miracle of life. Plus, in a Radaronline interview, when asked if she would do porn, Suleman said: “Who wants to see me naked? Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away.” So that’s not a no? In a Chris and Rihanna story, Bow Wow, a friend of the couple, says the rumors of a pregnancy and secret wedding are not true. A “friend” of Rihanna’s says: “Am I scared for her? Hell yeah. I saw the girl’s face. She looked like chopped liver. He could kill her next time.” The DA tells Us that since Chris texted an apology to Rihanna’s assistant “that amounts to a confession.” Also: “If she says she hit him first, that could very well be the difference whether he spends any time in jail or not.” Plus: America’s Next Top Model winner Jaslene Gonzalez says she was in an abusive relationship for four years. She’s put two restraining orders on him since winning the show.
Grade: D (climbing extremely steep stairs on hands and knees)

Life & Style
“Force To Diet.”
Though Katie Holmes’s rep denies it, the mag claims Kate is on a “Scientology detox diet known as a purification rundown.” It’s a combination of exercise, vitamins, nutrition and sauna that dislodges drug residue and other toxins. Sounds fun! But: Taking niacin has maybe made Katie’s skin yellow. A reporter asked her about her favorite restaurants, and she held up a drink and said, “As you can see, I’m on my liquid diet right now.” Have you seen Angelina and Brad’s Long Island living room? It’s insane (Fig. 4)! The house has a “shocking past” — wild parties! A feng shui consultant who does not work for Brad and Angie says: “If they want to cleanse the energy of the home, they could go around the perimeter of it with sage or ringing a bell. In every corner you clap your hands to break up the energy. Energy often gets caught in corners.” Good to know. Rihanna has been invited to go on Oprah’s show, but Chris told her not to do it, saying it would make things worse. According to a friend. And: “She really did change her email address and her cell phone number.” Rihanna isn’t talking to friends or family who don’t support her decision to get back with Chris. There’s an “exclusive” interview with Millionaire Matchmaker‘s Patti Stanger about the breast reduction she got. She went to an associate of Dr. 90210 (Dr. Rey) because she saw him on TV. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey’s Casebook: Necks. Anne Hathaway’s is “wrinkle-free,” maybe because she is 27? Nicole Kidman’s neck is “loose.” She is 41. Jane Krakowski, 40, would “appear younger” with 28-year-old Kristen Bell’s neck. (Fig. 5)
Grade: D+ (riding an elevator which stops at every floor)

Star
“Caught: Brad & The Nanny!”
Here’s the deal with Brad Pitt and the nanny: Brad walked into the twins’ room and saw the nanny sitting on the bed. He asked what was wrong and she told him she didn’t feel well. He sat down next to her and started rubbing her back. “It really was all very innocent,” says an insider. But if they were alone in the room, who is this person?? Anyway. Angelina walked in and “flipped out.” She “got right in Brad’s face, screaming at the top of her lungs and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back.” Then the commotion woke the babies and they started crying; Angie just snapped. “She slapped Brad right across the face. He was stunned.” Brad stormed out of the house and went on a long motorcycle ride. Now the kids are upset because the nanny is gone and Angie gets mad when they ask where the lady went. Moving on: Jennifer Love Hewitt is now dating Jamie Kennedy. Blind item! “Which aging sexpot needs to get a handle on her carnal instincts? Diners at a chic LA eatery were disgusted by a sloppy makeout session with her younger lover. Such bad taste!” Miley Cyrus has fake teeth and they fell out of her mouth at a recent photo shoot. Brad and Angie have “added another kid” to their brood: Shiloh’s imaginary friend, Amy. Shiloh says she likes Amy better than Knox and Viv. “Jake Puts A Ring On It” is about how Reese Witherspoon showed up at a photo shoot wearing an engagement ring, but took it off when she saw people staring. She’s not ready to go public with it, but Gyllenhaal popped the question. Two pictures of Gossip Girl‘s Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick on vacation in Jamaica. An insider says Chris Brown won Rihanna back “with the promise of marriage and babies” but now “he’s made it clear that if she even thinks of leaving, she’ll pay for it.” “One minute he’s whispering sweet nothings to her and the next he’s making threats.” Next: Britney and Kevin are falling in love again. While on tour in Florida, Brit took the family to Disneyworld and booked a whole floor at a hotel for her camp. An insider says: “Her room was only four doors down the corridor from Kevin’s! They looked awfully friendly when they met up in the hallway!” The two allegedly stay up all night talking in hotel rooms and backstage, Kevin hugged Britney and told her she looked “gorgeous” before she went on. A different insider says there’s been “some kissing.” The sister of Bristol Palin’s baby daddy Levi Johnston, Mercede Johnston, tells the mag that Bristol broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets Levi see their son. Scandal! Is Paula Abdul only acting like she is over Idol and into her jewelry line? Or does she want producers to beg her to stay? Finally: “We Love Our Curves” is an eight page photo-driven story about “curvy” celebs. The mag claims Beyoncé is a size 12, Jennifer Hudson is a size 10 and Mad Men‘s Christina Hendricks is a 10. Does that make any sense?
Grade: C- (stuck going up endless narrow, ancient stone spiral staircase)

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