This Week in Tabloids: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Are BFFLs Again

By Jia Tolentino | November 19, 2014 | 9:30pm

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which a small blue choo-choo train gets halfway to Los Angeles and is like, “You know, I’d rather not.” This week, Kim Kardashian’s ass is as wide as 9 Big Macs, JLaw worries that someone’s going to leak a sex tape, and Amanda Seyfried’s dog won’t stop taking dumps.

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KHLOE & KOURTNEY DOUBLE WEDDING

Let’s get started on our gift guide content: Angelina Jolie bought Ernest Hemingway’s old typewriter for $250,000 as a wedding gift for Brad Pitt. And then I bet she let the kids Puff-Paint all over it! Ariana Grande’s Nickelodeon contract specified that “her dressing room must be superior to that of all other stars on the show, except for the ones occupied by series lead Victoria Justice and any “marquee” stars.” Snooki is done with sex unless she wants to have another baby. “And that’s it. I’m done. I’m an old lady,” she said. Jennifer Lawrence calls Josh Hutcherson and Liam Hemsworth “my angels. They are my kittens.” Who is the angel and who is the kitten or are both the angels and the kittens and now it’s time for everyone to kiss?

Okay, here’s the “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”: Kris Jenner has secretly masterminded a double wedding for pregnant Khloe and her sister Kourtney. The ratings will be record-breaking, growls a raccoon eating garbage inside an old television that only plays the E! network. In this questionable news, one “branding agent” surmises that Khloe and Kourtney will get $10 million from the special. They are gonna do it in Santa Barbara; Khloe will wear a “mermaid frock” and Kourtney will be “boho-chic.” “She will appear as if she is floating down the aisle,” says a Kleinfeld designer who has not worked with Kourtney Kardashian. *runs away screaming from the wedding ghost*

Miley Cyrus is charming Maria Shriver because she wants to keep banging Patrick Schwarzenegger. Successfully charming her, too, all it took was some clothing, am I right? Jessica Alba is making mad money from her eco-friendly baby-goods company (love green babies)—like she’s worth $250 million right now, and the company is worth a billion and might IPO soon—but love matters at home are on the rocks like liquor. [“If her husband’s named Cash, why can’t he get any of his own?” squawked a chicken pecking from a trough of Bacardi 151]. The morning shows are collapsing: Natalie Morales wants to get Tamron Hall off Today, and one blogger realizes that Tamron Hall is the name of a person and not a local government building in NYC. On the View, Rosie thinks Whoopi is hogging all the air. “She recently blew up because Whoopi had 2 minutes 45 seconds more speaking time on one show,” says an insider. To be fair, that’s a HUGE amount of time. J. Lo had a 45th birthday party featuring a 4-foot cake of herself lounging on a lion. Sounds crazy! *calls every baker in NYC trying to get one for me* Finally, there’s that good old section called THE MAN’S VIEW, where the magazine finally allows men to speak about what they think about what women do to their looks. This week, men prefer JWOWW… BEFORE! Not after! Next week, we poll a bunch of dirty diapers, who will say they like the natural look.

Grade: C (a wedding ghost that stops floating and collapses midway down the aisle)

PREGNANT KATE: MY LIFE INSIDE THE PALACE!

“I still have a few secrets!” says the cover. LOL, KATE, I bet you do. [inserts footage of Kate once she’s done bearing these two throne-heirs, dancing around the castle and drinking three gallons of a wine cocktail she calls Princess Juice] Some real bitchy shit about Kim K: “So Kim has gone back to the one move that’s reliably commanded attention: She got naked. It didn’t pan out exactly as she’d hoped.” IDK, I bet it did. IS TAYLOR SWIFT TOO THIN? Let’s let Taylor Swift answer that question for herself, which I think she’s scheduled to at the approximate hour of everyone calm down and go to sleep. “Taylor could be at risk for osteoporosis, hair loss, even reproductive issues,” screams a rapidly engorging frog wearing bright red lipstick. Finally, someone speaks on whether or not Taylor Swift will be able to bear fruit!!

Robin Thicke got mistaken for Simon Cowell in public, which is amazing. J.Lo exfoliates her legs with a cream that contains diamond powder and I wonder how many times she’s been showered-up and humming all “Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got/ in this $900 diamond leg scrub lol shoutout to my haters.” Kendra Wilkinson is abandoning her West Elm Special Collection Hank Basket for Australia, so she can get “some thinking time in the jungle,” adding, “I don’t know what I’d do if there’s a Tarzan there who wants to sweep me off my feet.” Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel want to raise their kids in Memphis to get them out of all that ~LA CRAZINESS~ and also probably—and primarily—to give them better access to dry-rub BBQ. Here’s the cover story: Kate Middleton wants to host a Christmas Eve party, but the Queen doesn’t want her to, and she’s all (direct “quote”), “I’m not bending over backward for the Queen.” You shouldn’t bend over backward, Kate, you’re pregs!!! Last, here’s a thing about celebs who are going broke: Goop, Skinnygirl, and Martha Stewart are operating at a loss—which—hmm, is there a pattern? Maybe people want to be fat, chill and messy, as God intended?

Grade: D- (Princess Juice gone bad after being in storage for your whole high-risk pregnancy)

inTouch

ANGIE, BRAD & JEN: NASTY FACE-TO-FACE SHOWDOWN

Incredibly important news: Whoopi Goldberg has a vibrator named Stanley. Incredibly something news: there’s a woman in England who has seizures every time she hears Ne-Yo. “She reportedly even had part of her brain removed to keep it from happening, but that didn’t work.” A plastic surgeon who has never been in the same room as Kim Kardashian estimates her ass to be 34 inches wide, which is the same as 13 Blackberries, 9 Big Macs, or 3.5 basketballs. We could keep playing that game, but why would we??

Here’s the cover story, about the upcoming Brad Pitt’s Women Showdown: apparently Angelina and Jen have not been in the same room since 2009, and they’re going to have a BIG OLD FIGHT at the Golden Globes, where Jen might be nominated for Cake and Angelina might be nominated for directing Unbroken. It will be extra intense because it’s the 10th anniversary of the divorce, and Jen will be Prego Red Sauce and very ready to prove that she’s not intimidated by those damn hippies anymore. Okay! Kris Jenner’s new ~BOY TOY~ has abusive behavior in his past. He has an ex-girlfriend currently on a reality show (Atlanta Exes? I’m literally never going to get a TV) who once filed a restraining order, reproduced int he magazine saying Corey Gamble followed her around town, forbade her from leaving the house, grabbed her aggressively, stalked her via On-Star. Awesome, awesome, this is gonna work out great.

TREMENDOUS ITEM: Mariah Carey puts the music video for “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on constant loop in her house starting November 1st, which is when she starts to ~festoon her halls~ with seasonal num-nums. She frequently “takes breaks from her decorating to talk to the screen and compliment herself.” Adds an insider, “She says how young, thin and gorgeous she looks.” MARIAH!! In dog news, everyone on the set of Ted 2 is continuing to shame Amanda Seyfried’s dog for pooping. Did someone tell them it’s a dog? Finally, everyone’s wearing “sweet salmon.” *throws up a pound of sweet salmon*

Grade: B+ (Mariah Carey sipping wine out of a soda can telling her own music video it’s seww pretty)

WHY I TOOK HANK BACK

I have been avoiding the meat of this Kendra-West Elm Hank Baskett story studiously for my reign of terror at MWM because, like with the Bruce Jenner shit, there is a massive amount of trans horror and I can’t look at it because it hurts my soul, but…. I guess we’ll read it this time! But before we get there, Trisha Yearwood used to have a poster of Tom Selleck in her dorm room in college, so sommmmebody likes the mustache ride. Diane Furstenberg talks about what makes a man sexy: “Viagra!” This another way, DVF loves Boners. Melissa McCarthy and her husband Ben Falcone like to sit in the driveway and talk the day out together, which is awesome and real. Colin Farrell wrote an op-ed for Irish paper Sunday World advocating for marriage equality. You go Farrell CoCo!

Here’s the cover story. So, for background, a transgender model told a tabloid that she had sex with Hank Baskett while Kendra was pregnant, then Hank Baskett (probably) offered her $5,000 to keep quiet and the tabloid take a polygraph test, which she passed—and they almost got divorced and all of this was on camera for their reality show of course. Now they are giving an interview about how he is regaining her trust, where the interviewer kindly asks if he ever considered suicide (yes, but he’s “not a quitter”) and Kendra says she believes him now, although she does not regret flushing her wedding rings down the toilet. OKAY. In other news, Kanye is turned on by the fact that Kim doesn’t care about her haters, as she shouldn’t because no one can hear the haters deep inside dat bank vault. And finally, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are friends again, which we know because she’s been bragging about it to her trainer. She is now “reconsidering her tried-and-true songwriting technique”—idk, songwriting?—for her next record, except yeah right, the next single’s gonna be like I thought it was the end/ And now they call us friends.

Grade: F (a tabloid making you take a polygraph test)

Star

HOW KRIS DESTROYED HER FAMILY

John Stamos picks up strangers’ tabs at restaurants, whispered his publicist, a walking tub of Greek yogurt. Bethenny Frankel can’t get into A-list parties—she was bounced from Bette Midler’s Halloween gala and Heidi Klum’s as well. Mariah Carey wants to pull a Britney and have a stable Vegas gig, except instead of Vegas she’s putting out feelers to Atlantic City and Mohegan Sun. She wants to stay close to New York, by which she means she wants to stay close to the home movie theater screen playing the “All I Want for Christmas” video on repeat.

Okay, here’s the cover story about Kris Jenner, in-house Gojira, mother of dragons. What she’s doing to Kim is copying her: being sexy, dating, going to clubs. Kim wants to leave the reality show. What she’s doing to Bruce is emasculating him. “In a way, she’s responsible for turning him into a woman!” Yes, that’s exactly how that works. Next, what Kris is doing to Kourtney and Scott is encouraging Scott to booze because it’s good for the show. What she’s doing to Khloe is reveling in her suffering. What she’s doing to Kylie is giving her new lips and boobs; what she’s doing to Rob is refusing to be seen with him because he’s chubby now; what she’s doing to Kendall is damaging her reputation. *copies it all down by hand onto a parchment scroll for posterity*

The other big boy in here is how Jennifer Lawrence is under fire again for her once and future nudity. She had a bunch of assholes run up to her (literally—just anuses sprinting a 100-yard-dash) before she did David Letterman, demanding that she sign her nude photos. JLaw is now worried that someone’s going to leak a sex tape. Or, that’s the tabloid speculation about the fact that JLaw is worried about “a video,” which “might be something sexual.” Hey, if she doesn’t want people to see this stuff, she should literally go back in time and not be alive. Finally, there is QUITE a bit of gossip about Amanda Bynes’s therapeutic routine at Las Encinas Hospital, but we’ll skip it, because isn’t it about time that we stopped making fun of someone with mental illness?

Grade: D (day-old room service at Mohegan Sun)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, Life & Style

Fig. 2, Star

Fig. 3, inTouch