Youngest Human Barbie is 16, Has Good Genes and 'Big Breasts'

By Mark Shrayber | August 19, 2014 | 11:45pm

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The newest human barbie to emerge from the internet’s shiny pink box is 16-year-old Lolita Richi (real name? no), a Ukranian teenager who says she’s never had surgery and doesn’t use photoshop. Oh, and she’s never even heard of Valeria Lukyanova. Shots fired. (Also, she really does look like Barbie!)

Richi recently spoke to The Daily Mail about her ambition to become the best human Barbie in the world, and she’s certainly got the features for it. According to The Mail, Richi is possessed of a 20 inch waist and 32FF breasts that she says have never been augmented with anything other than her trusty push-up bra. And aside from contact lenses that give her that perpetual wide-eyed look, she says everything else is just makeup and really great features.

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The 16-year-old is now living in Turkmenistan and told The Mail that she’s one of the most popular girls in her high school, but that the boys who vie for her attention are “not to her taste.” She’s open to finding love, but her ideal man has to meet a strict list of requirements: “I want to be with a really manly man who is polite, sensible and who doesn’t run away from problems. He also needs to have a full head of hair. I don’t like bald men.” I may be naive here, but she’s not talking about dating other 16-year-olds, is she?

Richi says that her biggest supporter is her mother, who takes all of the photos Richi uploads to the internet and provides her with wigs and costumes. While Richi knows she’s too short to be a model, she would like to make her mark on the world with her appearance anyway. And if that doesn’t work out, she’s going to be a psychologist, just like fellow human barbie Alina Kovalevskaya.

And as for Valeria Lukyanova, the most famous human Barbie of all? Richi doesn’t even know who she is. (Except she obviously does because she specifically mentioned her and also how many human Barbies are there out there? I’m not even a human Barbie and I know about Lukyanova. It seems very improbable that Richi wouldn’t.) (Why am I so worked up about a 16-year-old human Barbie being dishonest?)

Wait, I’ve found something else to be worked up about! Richi apparently eats whatever she wants and is still able to maintain her figure. She said this about her physique to The Mail:

I have a gorgeous figure so I don’t even have to diet. I just eat whatever’s available in the fridge whether that’s sausages or fruit.

::Eats an entire pizza angrily::