27 Fully Made Up Things You Don't Know About Jennifer Lopez

This column was written by Bobby Finger and Madeleine Davies. It is entirely made up, but also probably 100% true.

1. The “block” in “Jenny from the Block” actually refers to the Eastern Bloc because I am a big fan of Cold War politics and the Iron Curtain.
2. In the movies I’m Jennifer Lopez, but J Lo actually stands for “Jessica Loudermilk,” my musical alter ego!
3. I have no idea what the 6 train is.
4. I have a great relationship with my ex/the father of my children Mark Anthony. He even lives in my pool house. In a locked cage.
5. My top two beauty tips are 1.) Bathe in Smartwater, and 2.) Good, old-fashioned witchcraft!
6. I am deeply in love with Casper Smart.
7. Casper Smart and I have never spoken.
8. Probably because I don’t speak pig latin!
9. The iconic Versace dress that I wore to the 2000 Grammys was made by slaves 🙁
10. I broke up with Ben Affleck because he kept trying to talk me into “doing stuff” with Matt Damon while he listened and ate meatballs.
11. And he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Boston, which as far as I’m concerned, is not even a real place.
12. FUCK BOSTON. THE PATRIOTS SUCK.
13. I had part of my brain that remembers filming Gigli surgically removed. It was sort of a lobotomy!
14. OIshukhjsgfyutyksuylkhsikyuiusnvbhgghvyryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyftgskj,s.
15. Whoops, sorry. Sometimes I smash my hands on the keyboard. Just one of the side effects of getting a lobotomy!
16. I once read a rumor that I had my butt insured for $1million.
17. It gave me the idea to insure my butt for $2 million.
18. I did not do my own dancing on In Living Color.
19. My performance in Maid In Manhattan was created with leftover footage from The Wedding Planner. I didn’t even know they were making it!
20. For the first several years of our professional relationship, I thought Ja Rule was a Make-a-Wish kid whose dying hope was to perform with me. Now we’re close friends!
21. I am not close friends with Jane Fonda.
22. Jane Fonda regularly FedExes me notes asking for her “2005 back.”
23. Monster-In-Law? More like Monster-In-NAH.
24. I haven’t communicated with Michael Vartan at all in 10 years. He could be dead and I wouldn’t know it!
25. I couldn’t name a Selena song if I tried.
26. When Puff Daddy was first considering a name change, it was my idea to go with Sean Combs!
27. Wanna know the real source of my feud with Mariah Carey? It’s the late nineties, right? We’re hanging out, listening to music, having a good time. At one point, Mariah notices the top of my jeans. I’d cut the waistband off, ya see, and she’s like, “Jenny, GIRL, I love those jeans!” and I’m like, “Thank you so much! I love the album Butterfly!” and she’s all buddy-buddy with me, you follow? So I think we’re all good, but the next time I see her on TV, guess what she’s wearing? JEANS WITH THE WAISTBAND CUT OFF and that bitch didn’t give me a lick of credit. Not a lick! And yeah, that’s where it all started, I guess.

Image via Getty.