Did you hear the big news? Men are going extinct. Really really slowly, and probably only in theory, but extinct nonetheless! It has something to do with DNA and grammar (more on that in a minute) and it obviously will never actually happen. But can you imagine what a world without men would actually be like? No more men would automatically mean no more patriarchy—finally with this shit—which means I could, at long last, live my dream of changing antihistamines (problematic!) to antiHERstamines. And we could all go out and get HERstorectomies (don’t need them uteruses anymore anyway!) and I would literally never shave my legs again. Girl power! Wooo! But seriously though, on closer examination, a world without men would be pretty shitty. Let’s discuss.
If you’re not turned off by SCIENCE, this actually-pretty-accessible-and-conversational Slate piece explains how men’s XY chromosomal structure is making their DNA shittier and shittier with each generation. Basically (please now enjoy my pseudo-scientific floundering—I did get As in chemistry AND physics, BTW!), certain palindromic DNA strands, like CTAGCTAG and GATCGATC, are bad (bad!!!), because they get all kinked up and make it impossible for DNA to replicate (cell death! Bad!!!). But smart little DNA strands do this thing called “crossing over,” where the two chromosomes tenderly hug and trade their troublesome bits for the troublesome bits on their neighboring chromosome. Then, no more palindromes, and everyone’s healthy! Oh, except for dudes.
XX females can mend all their chromosomes this way, including both Xs. But in males, crossing over can’t eliminate any bum Y-chromosome DNA because the Y in XY males lacks a partner to trade with: If any mutations pop up, they’re stuck there. (The X in XY males also lacks a trading partner, of course, but only temporarily. Male Xs can still cross over in a future generation inside any XX female descendants. Ys never get that chance.) So whenever malignant DNA arose on Y in the past, cells essentially chopped that DNA out and threw it away. This in turn whittled Y down generation by generation. Once a proud chromosome, home to 1400 genes, Y has been reduced to a stub, with just two dozen or so genes today. And some biologists have predicted that Ys will keep getting chopped down and eventually disappear-perhaps making males disappear with them, since the Y houses the DNA needed to make male gonads.
Lame! RIP, dudes! Now, I’m sure kneejerk anti-feminist dickwads think that the eradication of men is exactly what we women mean by “plz can we have equal rights now thx.” Because logic. Oh noez! Men’s rights! Oppression! OPPRESSION! (If you’re worried about being eradicated, bro, talk to your DNA—not to me.) But, of course, those people are obviously just gigantic mewling infants pooping fake oppression into their rage diapers. Nobody actually wants men to be eradicated. Because a world without men would be fucking terrible.
Reasons Why a World Without Men Would Be Fucking Terrible
1. All jars would remain closed. Wait, feminism. 80% of jars would remain closed.
2. With no more patriarchy to complain about, I would be unemployed.