Surely you know this by now, but this cover line is a complete bait and switch that ought to have an asterisk next to it. Inside you learn that
to have a kid with her, which allegedly made her cry. As of right now:
. There’s no baby. Still, the magazine has a sidebar titled “Inside The Nursery” with the kind of furniture they
choose, someday. The only other story worth mentioning is the one in which
by “grabbing his love handles and laughing at his pot belly.” Who saw this? Is the source a fitted sheet?
Life & Style
“Kate’s Biggest Fear: Pregnant & Alone”
Again, an asterisk ought to appear on this cover, because inside, the story is about how
Kate could wind up pregnant and alone
if she conceives next year and William is still in the Royal Air Force. But to be clear: At the moment
the Duchess is neither pregnant nor alone, though she is a military wife and so on. She and the Prince attended a fallen soldier remembrance ceremony together on November 11 and he has until the end of the year to decide whether or not he wats to stay in the RAF. Also inside:
Britney, Demi and Khloe are “waging a secret war” on the set of The X Factor: Brit’s annoyed by Ms. Kardashian and Demi is bonding with Khloe, which makes for a triangle of tension because ladies can’t be friends and “catfight” is a good headline, apparently. Finally,
Kanye wants Kim to quit her reality show because it;s embarrassing… and if Kanye is embarrassed, that’s saying something.
Grade: D- (cold, lumpy gravy)
In Touch
“Wrecking Another Marriage?”
Basically,
Kristen Stewart and Ben Affleck are IN TALKS to star in a movie called
Focus. The editors at the mag have seen the script and deem it “steamy.” The female lead has a nude scene, there’s lots of kissing, and the lead characters have make-up sex.
So if KStew and Ben get the parts it could cause trouble since they have both fallen for costars. Of course, even though Ben dated
Gigli costar Jennifer Lopez and met Jennifer Garner on the set of
Daredevil, he’s been happily married for seven years and neither of them have officially been cast in the film so this is all theoretical. Still, the headline is, “Watch Out, Jen!” There’s also a story about how
Britney and her two kids have moved out of her mansion and are staying in a hotel without Jason Trawick. And lastly, in an “exclusive” interview, Kim Zolciak explains that she quit RHOA because she was always so tense and stressed and “had to get away from it all.”
Grade: D (undercooked drumstick)
Us
“A Baby for Christmas!”
Oh, you think because you’re royalty, Santa will just bring you a fucking infant? It’s not like the holiday has
anything to do with a newborn king… oh wait. Okay. This story explains that
Prince William and Kate of the Shinylocks have had a top-secret plan all along: To devote the first two years of marriage to work, and only work on getting pregnant after the extensive newlywed travel schedule. They finished a tour of Southeast Asia in September, and their malaria medication has run its course, so it’s safe to try and get knocked up now. Kate will announce after the first trimester, so just stay tuned if you care so much, jeez. Also inside:
Taylor Swift and Harry Styles, one of the crumpets of One Direction, are so on. They email a lot and “she doesn’t want to be single.” Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are in love. A source says: “They have said I love you.” In an exclusive interview,
Lindsay Lohan says she is happy, even though she feels bullied by tabloids and TMZ and: “I can’t think of any actor who has been subjected to such extreme publicity who hasn’t, like, committed suicide.” She also points out that “Elizabeth [Taylor] was drunk on set” and claims: “I’ve never been drunk on set, ever.” Plus, she says she would like to adopt a son, is not interested in having a girl because: “I don’t want to deal with a mini-me!” Lastly, what do you make of “The Year of the Redhead!” which
does not include Lindsay? (Fig. 1)
Grade: C (dry cornbread)
Star
“We’re Engaged!”
Sure, the cover claims there’s an “exclusive interview,” but that interview is with an
insider, not with Kourtney and Scott. The insider claims
Scott popped the question on the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris, and she said yes, and soon their wedding will be a televised event, as is the Kardashian tradition. Also inside:
Jennifer Aniston’s BFFs Courteney Cox and Chelsea Handler are in a “bachelorette party catfight” because CC wants something small and sweet and Chelsea wants a wild XXX throwdown.
Eddie Cibrian is “sick and tired” of LeAnn Rimes and her drama and chaos, but she’s hoping to get pregnant in 2013 which will surely keep things calm? Finally, for an epic Thanksgiving, take advice from Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy: “The latticework bacon on top [of the turkey] takes all of 30 seconds to do, and looks absolutely gorgeous.” In which “gorgeous” is subjective. (Fig. 2) Love the text screaming “Looks good enough to eat!” — what else would you do, rub it in your armpits?
Grade: C (overcooked Brussels sprouts )
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Us
Fig. 2, from Star
