Unfortunately, the holidays are here. The sooner we purchase presents for our favorite sad sacks, the faster they can sigh “thanks?” and we can all get back to our miserable little lives. So here’s what to buy the grumpiest, grouchiest hateful little monsters in your life. If you have the sick need to keep these people in your life (or you can’t get rid of them HI MOM), then at least gift something that won’t make either of you cringe. Just don’t forget to include a gift receipt because you know all this crap is going back. Good luck!
Cards Against Humanity
It’s just like Apples to Apples, but for terrible people. Plus, Wil Wheaton calls it “the best game ever,” and nobody, but nobody, can argue with the delightful Wil Wheaton.
$25 (or free if you download!) [Cards Against Humanity]
Booze.
Sylphides and many others recommend buying Her Royal Grumpiness a bottle of her favorite booze — because even grumps need liquor to get through the day.
Varies [BevMo?]
Something unique, amazing, special, and awesome
WorstWorldProblems nails it: I have a friend who seriously hates everything. Everything is stupid, everything sucks, blah blah blah. For Christmas one year, I turned the local “I regret my abortion” religious billboard into “I regret my religion” using a vinyl plotter and some 3M spray glue. You should have seen the smile on his face when I took him to see it. Amazeballs.” So great.
Think about when Leslie gave Ron the birthday surprise where it was just him, whiskey, steak, and some fucking peace and quiet. Customize to your curmudgeon!
This shit is priceless
Dear Asshole: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life
“Ever wish you could leave a nasty note for that jerk in the Hummer who blocked you in, or the idiot who didn’t clean up after his dog? Now you can! Dear Asshole includes 101 letters to all of the assholes you encounter on a daily basis, each letter conveniently perforated so you can tear it out and give it to the desired offender.” What could be better?
$10.60 [Barnes & Noble]
Gift cards or cash
Let them buy their own fucking gift. It’s what everyone wants.
Varies [THEIR FAVORITE STORE (If they have one)! OR CASH!]
Go Away, Hate You
Says it all, adorably.
$7 [Etsy]
No soliciting sign
Help her say “go the hell away” without the effort of opening her mouth. Of course, if she likes sweet treats (who doesn’t? Oh wait, she doesn’t), you can always get a “unless you’re selling thin mints, go away” window decal.
Varies [Safety Sign]
Nothing
Callipygean recommends, “I’m the malcontent in my friendships and family. I tell people every year that I don’t want anything. If there’s something I want, I’ll buy it myself. I’ve almost succeeded in completely eliminating gift exchanges (I don’t buy anyone anything, including family members), but every year, someone still decides to ignore my wishes and buy me crap I don’t like, need, or have any space for.”
I think that about covers it.
Grumpy Cat t-shirt
I love that damn cat, and if the haters in your life don’t, fuck them. Seriously, fuck them.
$16.00 [Etsy]
On Bullshit
For the name alone, right?
$9.95 [Amazon]
GET OFF MY LAWN! shirt
Seriously, get the fuck off their lawn.
$21.60 [Zazzle]
Nihilist Gum Sugarless, Flavorless Gum
From a review, “This gum has no flavor. It is as pointless as life itself. As unsatisfying as your empty shell of an existence. Like everything else on this wretched planet, it is a dead end. A black hole. A bottomless pit of missed opportunity and shattered dreams.” Sound about right?
But bad news: I can’t find this stuff for sale anywhere, so instead how about this sad, sad sugarless, flavorless gum. Each piece is wrapped individually and has your fortune written on it in Turkish.
$3.35 for 5 pack [Amazon]
The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You
Sure to make their bleak outlook on life much worse.
$19.95 [Mental Floss]
Handerpants
For the people you really can’t please, why not piss them off? The holidays are about giving and receiving!
$11.95 [McPhee]
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
