When I was a young Jewess, the world was a place that was still unkind to my people. Jews were allowed to be comedians, doctors, financial advisors, deli owners… But house DJs? Haha, forget about it.
So, I was forced to practice sexy dancing in front of a mirror, and, later, in front of all my peers at the 100 bar and bat mitzvot I attended in one season, to *NSYNC and Savage Garden and Sisqó—artists that were hip, but deeply goyish. As a result, it’s possible I never became a real woman at all. If only Ansel Elgort had lost his virginity, discovered progressive house, become DJ Ansolo, and written this bar mitzvah-worthy banger by 2001, I might know where my clit is today.