Cardi B's House is Fucking Huge!

By Joan Summers  |  December 26, 2019 | 4:00pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag
Cardi B's House is Fucking Huge!
Graphic:Joan Summers/Jezebel

I currently live in a 350-square-foot apartment, which is still rather large, all things considered. Cardi B and Offset, meanwhile, live in house that is equivalent to 64.2867 apartments of comparable size to mine stacked together like lego bricks somewhere in Atlanta, Georgia. In an actual city, wouldn’t that be an entire square block if you laid it out flat? I’m not good at math but this feels correct!

TMZ reports that the couple purchased their Frankenstein mansion for for somewhere close to $5.75 million, although no formal price was listed by Dorsey Alston Realtors. It comes with: a wine cellar, a gym, a gun range, a “man cave,” a pool that is also bigger than my apartment, 6 acres of backyard space, a solarium, a built-in doctor’s office, a fireside sitting room INSIDE the master bedroom, an upstairs spa, and an outdoor cabana. Ok, sounds totally fine and reasonable for two people to live in, together, with maybe some kids and assorted family members.

Screenshot:Instagram (Cardi B)

On Instagram, Cardi B and Offset gave followers a tour of the home. Cardi revealed that she’s been “trying to get a house for two years,” but that she and Offset “never see eye to eye.” That tracks! In the kitchen, she promised Offset, “I know how to cook babe, I swear, I just don’t like cooking.” I’d also like to point out that Cardi did all of this in a Chanel two piece mini-set, long pink acrylic nails, and matching pink stilettos, which I propose be the official uniform for all real estate agents everywhere. It would certainly make them less ominous and spooky at open houses!

Anyway, what does one do, exactly, with 22,500 square feet of (cheaply built) big box mega-mansion? The cleaning fees seem outrageous, but it’s the windows I worry about. How do you possibly keep it insulated with all those windows and high ceilings? Hoes never get cold, as Cardi has informed us in the past, but this seems like she’s pushing her luck. Congrats to these two rich people, though! You can snoop through more photos of their home here. [TMZ / Rap-Up]

If you were one of the many people lined outside of JFK Airport waiting for a chance to see Bella Hadid disembark from a plane in some normal-looking clothing yesterday, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I know it must be a hard time, and perhaps you aren’t looking for comfort. I cannot begin to imagine what this sort of grief must feel like. Perhaps there is a support group you can attend, where well-meaning patrons will pat you on the back and tell you they understand the pain you’re going through? Again, I truly do not mean to discount the feelings you are probably besieged with. Rage, resentment, sorrow. These things will eat you up if you let them, but you are strong. You will fight through it, somehow, someway, and come out the other side of this tempest with a memoir and probably a book deal. Other people will hear your story, and they will feel a little less alone in the world. The money you make, after Harper Collins has taken their percentage, and your agent, will definitely buy you a big ol’ house like Cardi B’s to heal in. Maybe you’ll start a charity for others, and when you die, leave the world feeling a little but less gloomy than you found it.

For the rest of you, sitting here watch a stranger cry about Bella Hadid: Page Six reports that the supermodel, after landing at Newark Airport yesterday, found herself “whisked away” to secret, invitation-only restaurant Classified. Former patrons, according to the outlet, include Lady Gaga, Madonna, 50 Cent and Billy Idol. There’s more important information here, I’m sure, but I’m hung up on the description of her journey from the United terminal she landed at to Classified: “Spies said the supermodel was seen being whisked through the airport on an electric cart, trailed by a camera guy filming it all.” They have electric, celebrity-only vehicles in airports? The next time I land at JFK I should tell them my name is Kathryn Hahn, who many have told me I bear a striking resemblance to. (I won’t be taking any questions at this time, of course, please respect my privacy.)

Hadid, meanwhile, camped inside a luxe, celebrity-only eatery where I’m sure she was charged $100 for a breakfast sandwich, tagged her location as JFK on Instagram Stories. The outlet reports that this was by accident, and that tens of onlookers like our grieving friend were let down because of it. But I think she was attempting to throw any snoopers off her trail. Which is a stretch, even for me, to imagine that Bella Hadid thinks that far ahead about the gossip paparazzi. Good for her, though! I’m sure that breakfast sandwich had some delicious, uh, arugula, or maybe pesto and fancy cheese in it! [Page Six]