Contrary to popular belief, there is a statute of limitations on breakup sex and it is hours, not days, weeks or years after the breakup. So, no, you can’t text your ex and ask them to have no-string-attached, “thereuputic” “hellosex” out of the blue. And if you do (don’t!), at least be more suave than this guy.
Rough breakup sex does sound like it’s something many couples do (in fact, according to someone I used to be friends with, one time the breakup sex was so rough that one party left with a bloody nose), but it also sounds like it has to be a visceral, spur-of-the-moment thing and not something you plan for. You want to have rough sex dude? You’re going to have to be a little bit more flexible in your scheduling, even if you are generous enough to allow a full two hours for the deed. (How long does rough sex take on average, by the way? I have tried it once and then laughed really hard so it only took me like five minutes. I got a burrito after.)
I don’t get how this guy is a) so persistent and b) doesn’t have enough self-awareness to recognize how gross he is being with his offer, but the most WTF thing of this whole missive (besides the spelling of therapeutic) is the hours he has for this very planned, very controlled spontaneous and hot rough goodbye sex. 9am to 11pm or 11am to 1pm on Sunday, Monday or Wednesday? Why these times, specifically? What else could you be doing, unnamed Lothario? Perhaps taking a social skills class? Learning the samba? Isn’t there a crafting circle that could give you the same kind of release that trying to thrust rough sex on an uninterested former flame would? Have you tried latch hooking? I’ve made a rug before and that was definitely more exciting than rough sex. Come on, get it together. (We’re all kind of rooting for you through our disgust.)
Image via CreepyPMs
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