Drake is a Canadian rapper who believes in true love but consistently falls victim to treacherous women who tend to hold his emotions captive. He fears he’ll forever be rich and lonely. He may or may not believe he’s Jamaican. Taylor Swift is a conniving white American singer from Pennsylvania and a slick human machine whose public relationships work like automated voice operating systems. The world is off-balance and the only way to make it right is if Drake and Taylor get married.
Drake, a sensitive, misunderstood paramour, has previously been linked to Serena Williams. He’s known to follow her around like a sexy, bearded lap dog. He loves her, and she loves that he loves her. He has also, per rumors and our eyes, had a fun and fated off-and-on thing with Rihanna, whenever she allows it. They make beautiful music and look good grinding suggestively together. He loves her, and she loves that he loves her.
Swift was most recently linked to actor Tom Hiddleston—you might know him as LOKI—in a relationship many thought to be staged for publicity. You can Google her other relationships. She is deep and unkind, and so is Drake. Why not wrap themselves in each other’s embrace? Ah yes, there are rumors that they’re dating, which are questionable at best. According to a Page Six source, last week at Drake’s 30th birthday party: “Drake joined Swift in her booth, where they ‘were intimately flirting, talking closely and laughing. The only person he spent more time with other than his mom was Taylor.’” In the same article, Page Six calls Jamie Foxx “Funnyman.” So Page Six can’t possibly be trusted. But it’s funny, man. ’Cause Drake and Swift belong together.
Another “source” told Hollywood Life, “They both are liking the talk of a potential relationship and will let it continue, but there is no relationship brewing.” At the least, Drake and Swift could be collaborating together. Or, “collaborating.” Because he’s a fan of hers, and she is certainly a fan of his.
Drake is often accused of being the “Taylor Swift of rap,” for the way he orchestrates his beefs and stays in the headlines. Taylor Swift is the Taylor Swift of Taylor Swift. So imagine this matrimony: They would walk around quoting lyrics to each other. He would leave her bathroom mirror messages like, “You give me the feels…” She would see it, giggle, whip out her iPhone and ask Siri to take note of the moment…for later use.
They would bicker and make up. Write songs and make up. They would be one thing: happy. And we would hear all about it forever and ever, because every moment would be documented in their songs. Every moment. Every moment. Every moment. If Swift ever decided she wanted to leave the country, for a number of reasons, they could retreat to Drake’s home town of Toronto and live there in a big white mansion with their kids. And whenever Drake asks the youngest one if she’s lying about something, she would giggle and respond, “Truss me, daddi.”
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
