Every Character in Mean Girls, Ranked

By Lindy West  |  April 30, 2014 | 10:20pm
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the release of Mean Girls, which means—and I’m sorry to break it to you like this—you are hella elderly. On the upside, though, Mean Girls almost completely holds up, and still watches like a semi-masterpiece (even if Tina Fey has some squicky race and slut-shamey issues and the script treats “Africa” like it’s a lawless wilderness peopled entirely by lions and inscrutable desert warriors). Despite its flaws, there’s still a lot to love.

So, in honor of this auspicious day, here’s every character in Mean Girls, ranked from worst to best.

29. That Coach Who Is a Rapist

LAST PLACE BECAUSE OF RAPING PEOPLE.

28. Aaron Samuels

Aaron Samuels has to be the most boring, empty, directionless, nothing character in the history of that fucking haircut. Like, he doesn’t even have enough personal agency to not date Regina George?!?!? Pay attention, bro! THE WOMAN IS A GORGON. Ugh. If you cut Aaron Samuels open you fall through a tesseract and into a dimension where your consciousness is suspended forever inside an infinite marshmallow. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

27. Jason

26. Taylor Woodell’s Mom

Hey, lady, maybe quit punishing your daughter for her natural human urges and be proud of the fact that she’s being proactive about her reproductive health. I know the phone call from Planned Parenthood was just Regina being a dickhead, but STILL. TAYLOR’S MOM COULD HAVE HANDLED IT BETTER. DON’T PUNISH GIRLS FOR EXPLORING THEIR CHANGING BODIES.

25. Shane Oman

You can just tell he’s a dickhead. He lives in the dickhead room above the auditorium.

24. Taylor Woodell

Ew, Jason?! Really???

23. Kristen Hadley

Why so aggro, Kristen Hadley? It’s Cady’s first day, and you do kind of look like a Talbot’s catalog.

22. Kristen Hadley’s Boyfriend

Chill out, small-fry! You’re going to get mono!

21. Girl Who Got Punched in the Face by Regina and Loved It

Consider getting even one half of one grip.

20. Nfume

Come on, man! I know you’re 5, but that was cold!

19. Kid Who Farts a Lot

Do you have…a disorder? Because the rest of us just hold it in until we can stop by the bathroom or back up the truck to an open window or something.

18. Trang Pak and Sun Jin Dinh

Sorry for listing them together, but we really don’t have any information with which to distinguish their personalities (the allegation that Trang Pak is both “grotsky” and a “biotch” is pure conjecture). So mainly I would just like to note that both of these teenage girls ARE RAPE VICTIMS WHO WERE TARGETED BY A TRUSTED ADULT IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY. HELLO, POLICE. I KNOW WHO YOU SHOULD ARREST. SEE ABOVE.

17. Amber D’Alessio

I get it, girl. Hot dogs are bomb.

16. Dawn Schweizer

We’re all born fat virgins, you know.

15. Kylie

ASK IF YOU CAN GO TO BOARDING SCHOOL. RIGHT NOW.

14. Girl Who Just Has a Lot of Feelings

FEMINIST ICON.

13. Girl Who Knows How to Spell Xylocarp

Respect.

12.The Continent of Africa

I am so sorry.

11. Cady’s parents

Sleeper hit of this movie: “BUT YOU LOVE LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO!!!”

10. Ladysmith Black Mambazo

You know it’s true. You do love them.

9. Principal Tim Meadows

Strangely hot?

8. Ms. Norberry

This may have been the first time I saw someone as awkward as myself represented in media.

7. Kevin Gnapoor

I kind of find Kevin Gnapoor’s sexual aggression off-putting? But I know everyone loves him. So here you go.

6. Regina’s Mom

SECRETLY I WANTED TO PUT HER AT #1.

5. Cady

I will never stop rooting for you, Lohan.

4. Gretchen Wieners

This is such an important line.

3. Karen Smith

I know Gretchen Wieners does more stuff in this movie, and maybe has funnier jokes, but if I had to watch a spin-off movie about either Gretchen or Karen, I’D CHOOSE KAREN’S ASS OFF.

2. Janis/Damian

It’s the loving interplay between Janis and Damian that really makes them special, so I had to list them together. Janis and Damian are everything. They make me want to go long-hug all of my high school friends.

1. Regina George

BOO, YOU WHORE.

Update: OH MY GOD I FORGOT GLEN COCO. FOUR HONORARY DOCTORATES FOR YOU, GLEN COCO.

 
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