Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, Week 10: KimYe Christ Hath Risen, Waiver Wire Ensues

Total yardage: 104

Performance summary: I’ll admit, last week had me a bit down as a coach, in terms of my team’s motivation. Sure, we’ve been coasting for the most part, but I have high standards and they don’t include being knocked to second place. Thankfully, on December 5, a star was born. Nay, a SAINT. Per league rules, this means there’s a new addition to my team and I have to release a player. Yes, I could’ve ditched my biggest loser Leah, but ultimately I decided on Brody to shake things up while freeing up salary cap room for Saint West. With his arrival came dozens of dumb headlines. E! did everything from analyzing Saint’s name to listing other celeb kids named Saint. TMZ showed us what Saint might look like in a creepy composite. And Saint already has a parody Twitter account to his name—the Internet’s highest honor. This may be the most important rookie acquisition since Steph Curry? Anyway, my guys played their cleanest game of the season thus far. Kim scored big (Tweet from Kim: “Going to live stream making rice Krispy treats!”). Caitlyn hit the boards. And Leah did nothing as usual, but she did make sure to keep everyone hydrated with a constant supply of water bottles. Now let’s talk about winning. One could ask: Why is winning so important? Let me tell you a story about a kid named Jack. Every morning Jack would wake up, walk to the hoop in his background and practice jump shots. Everyday he sucked. Jack is a loser. Don’t be like Jack.—Clover Hope

Team Nobody

Kylie Jenner

Blog mentions: +46

App/ lip kit mentions: +10

Rob Kardashian

Blog mentions: +5

Bambi, Norman and Other Dog Jenner:

Blog mentions: +3

Reign Disick

Total yardage: 64

Performance summary: Another week spent wrestling with the cruel ontology of the Kardashian universe has passed us by. Rob Kardashian’s five mentions by the fourth estate are all based on his absence, which suggests a nightmarish bind when it comes to this family: they are always present because they are always present, but when they are absent, it’s even worse. (Rob didn’t come to Thanksgiving or some shit, not that I clicked on any of the links I reaped from the fields.) Bambi, Norman and Other Dog Jenner are REELING from their THIN-SHAMING CONTROVERSY, with Kylie Jenner going so far as to post a video on her app talking about how she feeds them organic coconut oil and they live a luxurious lifestyle (doesn’t mean they can’t be ANOREXIC, BECKY) and anyway it’s just lovely to see the dogs in the news! Kylie, our QB, is still riding the Interview cover train and the “controversy” surrounding her use of wheelchair as prop. “DISABILITY IS NEVER FASHION,” screamed women who took notice; others screamed, “WOMEN WITH DISABILITY CAN BE FASHION TOO.” She got about seven headlines for posting what was reported as a “no-makeup selfie,” despite her not saying that and also obviously wearing a bunch of makeup, and Reign Disick, IDK, someone check on him, he hasn’t shown up to practice in weeks! —Jia Tolentino

Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink

Kourtney Kardashian

Blog mentions: +22

APP LAUNCH: +25

App mentions: +3

Scott Disick

Blog mentions: +13

Most Searched Male Celeb on Yahoo: +(?) 5

Post-rehab reference to Scarface & sufganiyot 🙁 : -5

MJ Shannon

Mason Disick

Blog mentions: +1

Total Yardage: 64

Performance Summary: I was so prepared for my team to tank this week with the birth of KimYe Christ that its success is somewhat jarring—although some might say Kourtney finally launching her app exactly one day after her Saint-nephew was born is, in fact, somewhat savvy. I’m a bit bewildered by this move, so much that I wasn’t really interested in picking up Brody Jenner on the tail end of the waiver wire, but also because as a coach, I believe in building a team and sticking with my chosen players until they can access the winners inside of them to land a championship. Just kidding, I’m just being sanctimonious because I’m losing so sacrificially to these other fools, and barring unforeseen circumstances, the birth of Saint is my death knell. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t—much like the concept of RB Scott picking up points for his valiant effort into rehab (and rumored potential reunion with Kourtney), only to blow them all away with a Scarface reference, replacing cocaína with sufganiyot, in celebration of Hanukkah. Dog, as your coach, it’s important to have humor about where you’ve been and where you’ll go—but also, chill! —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd

Team the Gross Fan

Khloe Kardashian

Blog mentions: +16

Tabloid cover: +10

Book mentions: +10

App mentions: +6

Kris Jenner

Blog mentions: +17

Penelope Disick (daughter of Kourtney and Scott)

Blog mentions: +1

Casey Jenner Brody Jenner

Blog mentions: +2

Total yardage: 62

Performance summary: Well what do you know. What do you fucking know. Thanks to some weird thing called a “waiver wire,” I was able to drop my lowest performing player and replace them with Brody Jenner of all people. I don’t know why I was allowed this deus ex machina of a gift, but it was given to me, so I’ll take it. Anyway, I kicked that nobody Casey Jenner off my team and replaced him (her?) (huh? Who?) with Caitlyn’s most famous son. He only appeared on the blogs twice—apparently his relationship with someone named Kaitlynn Cater has made him somewhat intriguing again—but that’s more that whoever that Casey person was ever did for this godforsaken team. OK, so. I guess that’s good news! What else. Khloe made headlines when she met her newborn nephew Saint and also because she called Kylie a “little bitch,” Kris made headlines because of that weird video, and Penelope made headlines because I forget. Things aren’t looking GREAT, but they’re looking FINE. And that’s better news than I’ve had in a month. I’m the first person to say this in nearly a decade, but thanks, Brody Jenner. —Bobby Finger

Team Bush & The Tush

Kendall Jenner

Blog mentions: +15

Corey Gamble

Blog mentions: +1

Red carpet events: +5 (Haute Living & Black Jaguar Brunch)

North West

Blog mentions: +6

Brandon Jenner

Blog mentions: 0

Total Yardage: 27

Performance Summary: After last week’s mess of a game I didn’t think things could get worse. Well, they did, and it’s all because of the ultimate sack: the birth of baby Saint West. I’m sure you’ve heard all you would want to at this point about SW, but let me just take a minute to point out how Kim really played dirty by A. having the baby and then B. waiting a few days to reveal the name, thus doubling the yardage gained by her team. I appreciate the hustle but I can’t say I like it. Saint’s mere existence is bound to block anything Team Bush & the Tush tries to do in the forthcoming games; this week, Kendall gained only 15 blog posts for things like showing up at the hospital (and nothing for “literally” moving in with Scott; that story was cover-worthy!) and Corey’s many appearances on KUWTK still didn’t generate any heat. Going forward, I predict that North will continue to get her big wins in association with her younger sibling, which is fine by me—teamwork with the member of another team is certainly untraditional, but it’s important to be innovative. This sport is only as good as its players.—Kate Dries

COMPREHENSIVE SCORES TO DATE

Team Bible: 738

Team Nobody: 704

Team Bush & the Tush: 607

Team The Gross Fan: 552

Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink: 519

Image via Twitter/screenshot. Logo by Bobby Finger.