There’s a lot of scary shit in this month’s Marie Claire, like an enormous blood-red flower blossoming from a pair of panties, or a dress that looks like sweetbreads. But most terrifying of all is the magazine’s new discovery: aging.
Did you know that as you get older, hormonal and other changes will cause wrinkles and sagging? That’s right: “your skin’s hidden enemy” — the one nobody ever told you about before — is time itself, and it’s only a matter of years before you become a hideous monster. Explains noted dermatologist and cryptozoologist Kathy Fields, “Thirty percent of your collagen is lost in the first five years after menopause. As a result, not only will your face fall, you’ll also see more cellulite — your hormones are gone and your body turns to Jell-O. Forty-year-olds still look good, but even Demi Moore will turn to gush.” It’s a little-known fact that Dali’s famous painting The Persistence of Memory is actually a portrait of a fifty-year-old woman. Start the Botox now!
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
