Who is Going to Tell Trump He Caused a Diet Coke Shortage?
The gas prices soaring through the roof is one thing, but no Diet Coke? That’s grounds for rebellion. What do we look like, some Diet Pepsi drinkers?
Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images DrinksTrump Administration Diet Coke
Reader, take a moment to sit down before I tell you this: Diet Coke may be in short supply soon because of the Trump administration. This is not a drill. I repeat: this is not a drill. The gas prices soaring through the roof is one thing, but no Diet Coke? That’s grounds for rebellion. What do we look like, some Diet Pepsi drinkers?
And I know what you’re thinking: Did Trump drink ALL the Diet Coke? One would think. But even though the president has Diet Coke coursing through his veins at all times, the shortage was actually caused by his meddling in the open/closed/open-but-not-really-open Strait of Hormuz. Oh, to be the White House aide who got to tell him his favorite drink is in jeopardy because of his own actions.
According to a recent Reuters report, the aluminum used to make canned Diet Coke is among the many exports stuck in the Strait, although the shortage is primarily affecting India, where Diet Coke is sold only in cans. (So we fountain soda drinkers are safe…for now.) Reuters reported that “Diet Coke parties” have surged in bars and clubs across India, where Diet Coke junkies can pay an entry fee to experience the mouth-watering taste again after it disappeared from shelves. And I’m almost scared to think about what would happen if Trump were deprived of Diet Coke. Would the withdrawal send us into another war?
In April, Mamet Oz, our current Administrator of the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, revealed on Don Jr.’s podcast (sigh) that Trump thinks diet soda cures cancer: “Your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass, if poured on grass, so, therefore, it must kill cancer cells inside the body,” Oz said.
“This stuff’s good for me,” Trump reportedly told Oz, “It kills cancer cells.”
Perhaps there’s a silver lining here: what if this is the wake-up call Trump needed to end this madness? To throw the politics aside and restore world peace for the sake of America’s favorite beverage.
Still, my money’s on full DEF CON 1.
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