I, for One, Actually Want My Pants To Kill Me and My Sweaters to Spontaneously Combust

Great news for fashion lovers and adrenaline junkies alike: This year, the hottest fashion trend is all about having a chance encounter with death.

In the past month, a line of Zara “death pants” has gone viral for causing mass casualties by way of making women face-plant on their Eurosummers, and as of last week, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a recall for 6,000 sweaters sold at Madewell and T.J. Maxx for “violating the mandatory federal flammability standard for clothing textiles.” In other words, the state of fast fashion is awesome and dangerous. In fact, I’ll be the first to say that “danger” is this year’s Labubu’s.

If you or a loved one bought the combustible $150 Madewell/TJ Maxx sweater, the retailer would like you to send proof that you cut your sweater in half to prevent future wear. But I don’t see a flammable sweater as a negative. Nor do “death pants” strike fear in me. On the contrary, I welcome these potential threats like fun accessories. Let me tell you why.

A built-in excuse

Bad at coming up with excuses on the spot? Just point to the pants.

Imagine: “My palazzo pants tripped me, and I fell down the subway stairs. I’m sorry, but I can’t make it to your roommate’s birthday dinner.” Or: “Oops! My pant legs got tangled together, and by the time I untangled myself, I missed your boyfriend’s DJ set in Murray Hill.”’ It never fails.

Natural disaster/plane crash preparedness

Do you “run cold?” How about a flammable sweater to warm you up? Just find a nearby open flame and boom! The sweater also doubles as kindling or a fire starter if you might find yourself in an apocalypse and/or Yellowjackets situation. You never know when you’re going to need a little fire. Pack this sweater on your summer vacation just in case.

Museum heist

No one ever suspects the French crown jewels or a rare Gauguin to be hiding in the ginormous pants of a very fashionable woman.

Dramatic entrances/exits

If you’re one to make a dramatic entrance à la Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, look no further. This would also make for a quick and dramatic exit after delivering a mic-drop worthy line at your work happy hour.

It’s…camp

In our never-ending quest to look camp right in the eye, we have arrived at the very camp performance of kissing death. Because what’s edgier than confidently wearing a garment that could send you to the ER? If your boots don’t violate the federal flammability standard, are you even enrolled in FIT?

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At the end of the day, if I can’t do anything to thwart the constant overproduction of TJ Maxx garbage, how can I make these cheap garment peddlers serve the common good? A class-action lawsuit isn’t enough. We must use the garbage to our advantage.