I Love This Almost Certainly Untrue Rumor About Why Angelina Jolie Didn't Attend the Royal Wedding

By Bobby Finger  |  June 1, 2018 | 1:45pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag

I was going to make the lead story in this morning’s Dirt Bag about Roseanne begging “like 40 motherfuckers” at ABC to not cancel her show, but then I realized, Bob, it’s Friday, and that’s no fun. So, because we could all use a reprieve from this endless cycle of news about a “racist idiot,” let’s begin with something fun: like this rumor about why Angelina Jolie was not at last month’s Royal Wedding.

“She wasn’t at the Royal Wedding because she’s not friends with them or in the cast of Suits,” you might say. And you might be right! But, then again, you might be wrong, as Star is reporting the real reason she didn’t show up was considerably more irrational: it’s because she was denied a +6.

Said a source:

“She was insulted that her kids weren’t invited. She was allowed to bring one guest – more than most people got, actually – but didn’t have a date to take… In the end, she decided to skip it altogether.”

Picture it, Los Feliz, Los Angeles. A quiet spring day. Angelina Jolie is blending her daily breakfast, a kale/blueberry/discarded By the Sea poster/almond milk smoothie, when she hears a faint sound above the howling whir of her Vitamix. Is that the doorbell? She turns the blender off and runs the quarter-mile to the front door of her villa. There, on her front porch, is a messenger holding a telegram on Royal stationery. She tips the kind young man two of her shiniest quarters and shuts the door.

MS. ANGELINA JOLIE
WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR REQUEST TO BRING YOUR SIX CHILDREN TO THE ROYAL WEDDING STOP UNFORTUNATELY WE ONLY HAVE THE SPACE FOR YOU TO BRING ONE STOP GOOD LUCK CHOOSING A WORTHY CHILD STOP MIGHT WE SUGGEST ZAHARA STOP
QUEEN ELIZABETH II

She rips the paper into shreds and screams. When her six lovely children rush to the foyer to see what’s wrong this time, she smooths the side of her linen house dress and smiles. “Who wants to go to Château Miraval this May?”

[Gossip Cop]

Just because I didn’t want it up top doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about this Roseanne story. As I said before, the occasional Twitter user claims to have begged “like 40 motherfuckers” at ABC to let her “make amends” and not cancel her show.

She revealed the behind the scenes drama in a series of now-deleted tweets, all of which you can see over at the Daily Mail. There’s also a video of her pretending to be on the phone while a reporter grills her on the street.

[Daily Mail]

Please buy my new collection of short stories, entitled:

[Gossip Cop]