I Love This Almost Certainly Untrue Rumor About Why Angelina Jolie Didn't Attend the Royal Wedding
CelebritiesDirt BagI was going to make the lead story in this morning’s Dirt Bag about Roseanne begging “like 40 motherfuckers” at ABC to not cancel her show, but then I realized, Bob, it’s Friday, and that’s no fun. So, because we could all use a reprieve from this endless cycle of news about a “racist idiot,” let’s begin with something fun: like this rumor about why Angelina Jolie was not at last month’s Royal Wedding.
“She wasn’t at the Royal Wedding because she’s not friends with them or in the cast of Suits,” you might say. And you might be right! But, then again, you might be wrong, as Star is reporting the real reason she didn’t show up was considerably more irrational: it’s because she was denied a +6.
Said a source:
“She was insulted that her kids weren’t invited. She was allowed to bring one guest – more than most people got, actually – but didn’t have a date to take… In the end, she decided to skip it altogether.”
Picture it, Los Feliz, Los Angeles. A quiet spring day. Angelina Jolie is blending her daily breakfast, a kale/blueberry/discarded By the Sea poster/almond milk smoothie, when she hears a faint sound above the howling whir of her Vitamix. Is that the doorbell? She turns the blender off and runs the quarter-mile to the front door of her villa. There, on her front porch, is a messenger holding a telegram on Royal stationery. She tips the kind young man two of her shiniest quarters and shuts the door.