I Tried Dunkin’s New ‘Dirty Pepsi’ And I Can’t Stop Shaking and Slamming My Head Against the Wall

Dunkin’ Donuts released her summer menu, and… I’m really scared. Amongst a plethora of red-40-based offerings like the “Cherry Lime Rickey Refresher” and “Fruit Punch MUNCHKINS” is something even more sinister and haunting: the Dunkin’ Dirty Soda in collaboration with Pepsi. Because for some reason, the Mormons put heavy cream in their soda, and now we all have to deal with the repercussions. Someone help me. I’m shaking and freaking out.

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of “dirty soda,” allow me to explain. The Utah-based drink restaurant Swig popularized the beverage as an alternative to coffee in 2010, and members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been “creaming” their sodas ever since. But now that dirty soda has arrived at Dunkin’, we’ve reached the last circle of late-stage capitalist brain rot, and I do not feel real. Where am I? Help.

According to their April press release (yes, I’m on the newsletter), “The Dunkin’ Dirty Soda combines the brand’s beloved coffee milk with Pepsi and tops it with Sweet Cold Foam, creating a drink with classic soda flavor and a smooth, creamy, coffee-forward finish reminiscent of the Dunkalatte.”

Naturally, I had to go and try it for myself. It tastes like you stuck a straw into a puddle of mud and blew a cloud of vanilla-flavored vape on it. The texture is viscous. Carbonated soda and dairy don’t mix. The cold foam settles into a mess of curdled lactose and brown liquid, and it 100% gave me botulism, brain fog, and a cortisol overdose. The drink has 68 grams of added sugar in a medium size—272% of the recommended amount of 25 grams/day. Combine that with the 50mg of caffeine in Pepsi plus however much caffeine is in “coffee milk,” and you have a recipe for feeling weird in a TJ Maxx, accidentally spending $9,000 at Julia Fox’s stoop sale sponsored by Ebay, and getting in a fight with Ellen at her Memorial Day Brunch.

This all confirms that the only acceptable drink for an adult to get at Dunkin’ is a regular (iced, obviously) coffee. (If you get a hot coffee at Dunkin, you are likely the killer.) I can maybe get behind slurping down a Cherry Lime Rickey Refresher if you are a 12-year-old on the way home from Taekwondo, but I draw the line at milky soda.

Recently, drinks in general have been scary. In February, Pepsi got their grubby little paws on fiber with the launch of Pepsi Prebiotic Cola, an attempt at competing with farty soda brands like Olipop and Poppi. Popularized by TikTok-brain, prebiotic sodas are supposedly “gut-healthy,” but Olipop is already facing a class action lawsuit alleging that its sodas do not contain sufficient prebiotics to provide meaningful digestive health benefits. And before you ask—no, I don’t know what a prebiotic is. Every time someone tries to explain the difference between pre-, pro-, and post-biotics to me, I feel like I am about to get shot in the head with a staple gun. Again, someone, please help me.

If the farty healthy soda trend is aimed at healing your gut, then dirty soda is the opposite of that, and the Dunkin’ Dirty Pepsi is the equivalent of nuking your gut microbiome. But as the resident Dunkin’ correspondent, I was able to get an exclusive early look at Dunkin’s fall menu, launching later this year, and I am terrified to announce what they’re offering: “Fabulous Yummy Cortisol Latte,” “Peptide Dreamy Freak Arsenic Matcha,” and the “Kratom Iced Banana Bread Milk Drink with Vitamin D and Also Nicotine, Sponsored by Gay Guys.” 

Until then, if you have your sights on the Dunkin’ Dirty Soda, then I would suggest being near a bathroom after consumption, or just straight-up do cocaine. It is probably better for you. Just don’t forget to scan your Dunkin’ Rewards app! You cannot miss out on those points, mama.