Kash Patel Only Seems Interested in the Part of His Job That Gets Him Closer to Sports

In 2023, an innocuous internet trend entered the zeitgeist, in which women asked their boyfriends or husbands, in (allegedly) unstaged videos, how often they thought about the Roman Empire. The majority of the internet and I were both stunned by how many men said they thought about it at least once a day. The phrase quickly became shorthand for caring even the slightest bit about anything—“this is my Roman Empire,” someone might comment under an old clip of Marnie from Girls. We thought it was just a silly internet trend. Harmless, right?

 

Wrong. Because now that we live in one of the most pathetic timelines to ever exist, a bunch of egomaniacs are playing copycat and obsessing over all the wrong parts of history.

 

On Wednesday, FBI director and 3rd-string benchwarmer Kash Patel released a statement with the UFC announcing a “historic” seminar in which UFC fighters would train FBI agents at Quantico. I suspected things were already going off the rails when the White House announced a grand UFC spectacle for Trump’s 80th birthday this summer, but this confirms it. We’re really doing this? We’re really doing the Gladiator thing?

 

“This is a tremendous opportunity for our FBI agents to learn and train with some of the greatest athletes on earth — helping the world’s premier law enforcement agency be even better prepared to protect the American people,” Patel said. It’s becoming clear that the former conspiracy theory podcaster— who spent American taxpayers’ money partying with the U.S. Men’s Hockey Team—is only interested in the part of his job that gets him closer to sports. It’s obvious he never made varsity, and now the rest of us have to suffer for it.

 

The boot camp will reportedly provide insight into both UFC training methods and fighting tactics. But what tactics, exactly? Flying kicks? Backflipping off the edge of the octagon? I don’t need to be put into a rear-naked choke by my taxpayer dollars. 

 

And not for nothing, but the UFC is notorious for platforming some truly horrible people, like convicted rapist Conor McGregor—so I’m not sure how reliable these guys are as educators, especially when bashing brains is kind of a requirement in their line of work. Also, the training seminar takes place this weekend, meaning part of it takes place on March 15, the Ides of March, so beware! Lest you want to end up in a banana split…

 

We shouldn’t have given men all that time in 2023 to think about the Roman Empire, because who knows what they’ll do next? Build a temple in honor of Trump? Fight a hungry lion in the Superdome? If only they were as interested in the cool parts about the Roman Empire, like art, or aqueducts, or something, and less with barbaric displays of their fragile masculinity.

---

Like what you just read? You’ve got great taste. Subscribe to Jezebel, and for $5 a month or $50 a year, you’ll get access to a bunch of subscriber benefits, including getting to read the next article (and all the ones after that) ad-free. Plus, you’ll be supporting independent journalism—which, can you even imagine not supporting independent journalism in times like these? Yikes.