Ke$ha Rolls Out of Club, Rolls Into Rehab

I’m a crusader for being yourself and loving yourself, but I’ve found it hard to practice. I’ll be unavailable for the next 30 days, seeking treatment for my eating disorder … to learn to love myself again, exactly as I am.

Good luck getting the help you need, Ke$ha. I want to see you back on the stage and brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack ASAP. Until then I’m just going to blast “Timber” until the po-po shut me down. (The po-po shut me down.) [TMZ]

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Mariah Carey can’t stop, won’t stop performing for dictators. On
New Year’s eve, she performed some of her greatest hits at a party
allegedly paid for by the Sultan of Brunei, who has a pretty hot (read: terrible) hit record of his own. In 2005, he made himself infallible and in 2014 he’s adopting Sharia law punishments for Muslims, including stoning for adultery and amputations for theft. Get it together, Mimi! Don’t sing Butterfly for just anyone. [Dlisted]

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Audrina Patridge admits that some of The Hills was fake. 2005 you is shocked and outraged that some of her fights with Kristin Cavallari were manufactured. 2014 you just doesn’t have the energy to care about Patridge’s last grasp at relevance. You already did Dancing With The Stars, Audrina. It’s over! Just let that limo drive away, girl. [E!]

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• Reese Witherspoon made the bold claim that the only way to golf is barefoot (and in the Bahamas). Wrong! The only way to golf is in your living room with a Wii remote securely strapped to your wrist. [JustJared]
• Kendall Jenner and that one haircut from One Direction who dated Taylor Swift Harry Styles are either dating or just bumping into each other a lot; like romantic comedy a lot. It doesn’t seem natural for this to just be a coincidence. Maybe someone could ask Kim? She hasn’t been in the news lately. [MTV]
• Farrah Abraham allegedly faked a relationship to get on Couples Therapy. Abraham’s Teen Mom cast mate Jenelle Evans is outraged and has vowed not to watch the show due to this deception. Let’s hope Evans is not a Nielsen family. [Us]
• Rumors are swirling that The Real Housewives of New York may be getting cancelled due to low ratings. There is about an 80% chance that these rumors were started by Jill Zarin, who has yet to find a new hobby. The other 20% is on Alex McCord who is busy working in Brooklyn while the rest of us are busy being mean girls in high school. [InTouch]
• Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself and Selena Gomez hugging early this morning. It’s hard to tell what’s going on, though, because the picture quality is right out of Paranormal Activity. They’re either back together or being haunted. Or both. Can it be both? [Instagram]
• Leonardo DiCaprio was photographed in Mexico with his girlfriend Toni Garrn. Dicaprio is taking a break before awards season because (I assume) he is exhausted after having to say “fuck” about a million times while shooting The Wolf of Wall Street. The pictures are very exciting because whatever DiCaprio and Garrn are eating looks GOOD. [E!]
• Paul Walker’s character will be retired, not killed off in the next Fast and Furious film. [Vulture]
• Michael Muhney was fired from The Young And
  The Restless for groping the breasts of his co-star, Hunter King. Gross. Luckily his
  “it was my evil twin” defense didn’t work. (I made that last part up, but who here doesn’t think he at least tried?) [TMZ]
• Jon Hamm went on a date to the movies and continued his long streak of always looking amazing and like he smells good no matter what he is doing. [People]
• Matthew McConaughey jogs on his daughter’s birthday! What could this mean and what does The Illuminati have to do with it? [JustJared]
• Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are allegedly
  (ALLEGEDLY) ready to have more children. “Calm down there, you crazy
  kids!” says the rest of the world, not yet emotionally ready for another
  KimYe press tour. [Hollywood Life]
• Hilary Duff got her hair did, partied hardy (read:
  played with her son), and wore some fashionable new glasses this week. Unfortunately, this meant she had no time to record and release a new pop album. We’ll keep hoping! [JustJared]
• Phil Everly has died. He was 74. [CNN]

Image via Getty.