March Madness Sweet 16: You People Are Monsters

By Erin Gloria Ryan | March 24, 2015 | 8:30pm

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Sports: holy shit, right? But the on-court drama of the NCAA men’s and women’s basketball tournaments couldn’t possibly match the onscreen drama of this made up tournament between the forces of the internet and the forces of reality, this clash between what is social and what is antisocial. What will prevail? It’s up to you and thousands of strangers demographically similar to you.

Round two was brutal. We witnessed the demise of facial expressions and grocery shopping when you’re hungry, as well as Jezebel staff favorite Eggplant Friday (RIP outlines of dicks in sweatpants :'( ). The bloodbath among the top seeds began earlier than normal this year (maybe because I’m bad at arbitrarily ranking things for a single elimination style tournament of polls. IDK) with GChat falling to fuckin’ memes and Seamless losing soundly to Unsubscribing. Romance novels, making out at a bar, and attending other people’s weddings all lost, while internet stalking potential dates, twitter fights between other people, and watching a crying drunk girl yell at her boyfriend all won. Makeup spelled the end of the line for doctors. What. The. Fuck.

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But the tournament, like time and off-leash children at Target, toddles on. Onto the Sweet Sixteen!

Internet Social Division: I still cannot believe GChat lost. What do you do all day at work when you’re supposed to be working if not cattily GChatting instagram links of a Mutually Agreed Upon Frenemy to each other? At any rate, that leaves terrible-ass 9th-seed memes to duke it out with Twitter fights between other people.

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Next: the 2-seed of Emojis versus the formidable but probably-gonna-lose 6-seed of Throwback Thursday. Feelings from the past vs. sarcastic impersonal conveyances of emotion in the present! You decide!

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Onto the Internet Antisocial Division, where Netflix, basically the UConn women of solitary activities in 2015, will take on the lowly Unsubscribing, the New York Knicks of solitary activities in 2015 (if you deliberately avoid sports because you’re one of those people who thinks it’s cute and unique: UConn women good. Knicks very, very bad). I’d say that this match is a done deal, but then again, I’m not positive that the people voting in this year’s March Madness aren’t actual monsters clicking human-sized mouses with their big, hair paws and unwieldy monster claws. On a related note, be sure to check out Monsters Dot Com, the Monsters, Inc and Monsters University sequel I’m trying to sell to Pixar. It’s about the time that Mike Wazowski and James P. Sullivan start a blog and, within months, learn to hate everything. Very dark.

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The matchup of internet stalking potential dates and free porn is by far the most interesting of the tournament so far. Imagining an entire life of partnership with a stranger or watching actual people fucking while unsubtly glancing askance because, to be perfectly honest, purely mechanical sex is a little boring? Either one’s relies on fantasy, both are things you wouldn’t want to get caught indulging in by your boss. But which is better?

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HALFTIME!

Great advice, Annie Oakley.

Next, the IRL Social Division pits Sex against Restaurants, which are places where (if Vanderpump Rules is to be believed) a lot of people meet sex partners. Can we at least celebrate the fact that, one way or another, eating out wins?

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Second semifinal in the division is between Makeup and IMAX, two things that while cheerleaded by billion-dollar industries—ugh—are often times just not worth it.

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Final region is IRL Antisocial Division, where Binge Watching has held on and will now face Libraries. Whatever happened to binge reading? my mom would say, raising her eyebrows. Here’s what happened to it, mom: it’s for NERDS WHO DON’T GET ELECTED TO STUDENT COUNCIL.

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Finally, for the saps out there: old photo albums, a beloved and cherished book of fading memory preservation that will probably be obliterated this round by watching a crying drunk girl yell at her boyfriend, America’s second favorite St. Patrick’s Day tradition after calling your college friend at work and screaming into the phone and throwing up in a plant. Judging by how the last round went, it’s pretty clear which of these contenders is going to win.

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You have 24 hours to ~~vote~~ reveal your deepest and darkest neuroses!