Meet Hannah Brown's Bachelorette Contestants: Two Pilots, a Bunch of Lukes, and a Roller Boy

I like Dustin. He’s kinda dorky.

This guy is going to win. Roll tide.

He’s not.

And neither is he, though he should.

I respect this man for doing the noble thing: going on one of the most popular television shows, nationally, to promote his country-folk EP. So brave.

There is no way this man doesn’t jump out of a giant box the first night. He must. He’s the Box King.

Chris Harrison mentioned that this dude emerges from the limo on night one with “baby on the mind,” which is horrifying, but what are you going to do? Jersey Shore Joey wants a kid, eh.

I assume this man is also unemployed? That, or he is all three names at a modestly sized law firm?

Harrison said Jonathan works at a pizza joint and he hopes he makes it more “than 30 minutes or less.” This dude is getting cut. I’ll take him off Hannah’s hands. He’s cute.

Is this man not Brian? What people factory does ABC use?

Luke P. is definitely going to bring the drama. Thank you in advance, Luke P.

And this Luke is just Season 21’s Bachelor, Nick Viall, right? This man also screams GOP, so I hope he loses.

This man’s teeth are too white. Like, brand new toilet bowl white. Next.

Chris Harrison described Matteo as an “extremely nervous gentleman” so, unfortunately, he’s my favorite now.

Matthew’s cute, but he’s no Matteo. I can already tell it’s going to be impossible to tell a bunch of these guys apart.

I like Mike’s deviously lifted eyebrow. You can tell he’s a jokester.

Peter will fly you straight to the blue collared shirt store.

What is a roller boy? Is that a job?

When introducing Scott, Harrison just said, “Is everyone here on this show for the right reasons? No.” So, uh, goodbye, Scott.

Unfortunately there aren’t any superlatives on the Bachelorette, or Thomas would be taking home “Best Dressed” by a landslide.

Tyler C., much like Connor J., also looks like a vintage photograph come alive, which I assume is now a theme for the season.

I think Tyler G. is going to do well. He seems smart. I know this because he is in grad school, and marrying a Bachelorette means paying off those student loans.

For whatever reason, the video skips 24-year-old Dylan, but according to the ABC website he is “the co-founder of a fitness company that allows people to work out while donating food to those in need. He loves to drive his boat, scuba dive and cook up a big meal. Hopefully, Hannah’s hungry.” Hopefully.

…And that’s all the men!