Only the Snow Is Perfect: A Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Holiness Ranking

Lisa really is a New York rose trying to flourish in Utah and she is doing a terrible, terrible job of it. That natural aggression New Yorkers are born with does not play well outside of the city and definitely doesn’t do anything for her as she strives to be the perfect Mormon woman who also sells tequila. Despite having a permanent negative point because of her business, Lisa has regained it this week with the mention that her eldest child attends seminary. Good Mormon mom right there. She was so close to perfection, but her mistreatment of Heather and Whitney at the dinner table and her lack of humility over her gift for Whitney’s wedding—“I did a good deed, I was generous, end of story”—drags her down the ladder of holy father’s favor.

Whitney, the ex-Mormon aspiring pole dancer

Whitney, girl. How many poles do you need in one house? Pole theatrics aside, Whitney shared a little more about her family history this week and revealed that she comes from a background of plural marriage. There are conflicting ideas about plural marriage in Mormonism; however, after some consideration, Whitney will be allotted one extra holiness point for not only mentioning plural marriage but descending from it because at the end of the day, the point of Mormonism, of any organized religion really, is to fill the earth with believers. Whether she likes it or not, Whitney plays a part in that plan, the way the Holy Father always intended. However, it cannot be ignored that Whitney agreed to attend and take her father to a non-LDS church. Uncool!

Meredith, the nearly perfect Jew

I’ve got to say, Meredith almost got me this week. Either she is truly perfect or she is saving all her sins for off-camera. Last week, Meredith won the holiness rankings although one commenter, Amethyst, shared an excellent point in my search for Meredith’s faults: “There actually is a law in Judaism that says you’re not allowed to wear linen and wool together in the same garment,” Amethyst writes. However, because I cannot say definitively what textiles comprise Meredith’s garments, I won’t employ this rule this week. It’s in my back pocket, though!

I thought I had something when she was at dinner with her husband drinking Reposado, but that is a kosher beverage so no dice. But alas, good things come to those who wait and Meredith’s one flaw was finally revealed. She and her husband Seth are separated! Cue dramatic music. While Judaism does not forbid divorce and in some cases encourages it for the betterment of the individuals, there are rules about what is required of a husband and wife up until the moment of a legal divorce. One such rule, which has its roots in the book of Exodus, is cohabitation. Meredith and Seth hardly spend time together in the same home and by Seth’s admission, they aren’t having sex, a marital privilege they are both entitled to under Jewish law.

Heather

Heather taught me a lot in this episode, other than the magical perfection that is Utah snow. She taught me that the thumbs-up emoji doesn’t mean OK or good job, it means fuck you. As fascinating as that discovery is, “fuck” is simply not a word that can exit the mouth of a good faithful Mormon woman, nor can she text it. Not only did Heather tell Lisa to fuck off via thumbs-up, she then lied about it as if she had no idea what Lisa was talking about. Smart move in the real world, but not acceptable in the celestial kingdom. And don’t think I didn’t catch that skirt hemline above the knee, Heather!

Mary, the holiest Pentecostal in town

Mary frightens me. That’s not a sin or something for which I can remove a point but I just needed to get that off my chest and I know that this is a safe space. Mary gets a bonus halo this week not only for convincing two new souls to come into her church but also because those souls are, by Pentecostal standards, considered to be lost. Jesus loves you for this, Mary. This gain makes up for the loss sustained by once again wearing earrings! Come on Mary, this is easy shit—just skip the diamonds for once. Despite the earrings and the over-the-top materialism, Mary is this week’s winner!