R. Kelly’s ‘Black Panties’ is a Magnificent Ode to Pussy


Everyone’s favorite masterful weaver of stories, Robert Sylvester Kelly, has blessed us with an 18-track opus, winding his musical threads on his freaky sex loom, and you can stream it in it’s spectacular entirety over at Vibe.

Should you choose to accept this sensual mission, approach with caution and be prepared to be bombarded with some super sexy R. Kelly sex. Like, more than usual. There’s “Crazy Sex,” there’s sex in “Every Position,” there’s some “Physical” sex, there’s sex with the “Lights On.” And then there are the real ballads.

What begins with an MJ’s ‘Human Nature’-inspired ditty about doing it until those “Legs Shakin'” soon blossoms into an ardent plea to a fair maiden to “Show Your Pussy.”

Of course, no song quite reaches the heartfelt poignancy of “Marry the Pussy,” a song which not only boasts repeating the word “pussy” 56 times, but also is an actual proposal song to a woman’s sex organs. Yes. A marriage proposal to a pussy. And one that will undoubtedly usurp the stronghold Train’s ‘Marry Me’ has on the first dance at far too many weddings.

“Black Panties”/the Gilded Age of SEXY SEXY EMAN-SEX-PATION drops December 10. Mark those calendars.


Editor’s note: Sarcasm was not the right approach here, certainly not without acknowledging Kelly’s history of sexual abuse. We apologize.

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