So The Coven Finale Was Terrible, Right?
Latest
I had a lot of theories going into last night’s finale of American Horror Story: Coven. I thought maybe Myrtle was the real villain and that she’d end up killing everybody; I thought they might pull some weird gender shit and let Kyle be the Supreme and have him end up killing everybody; I thought that Fiona might still be alive and that she’d come back to kill everybody. As it turns out, I was wrong about almost everything, which is too bad because, as it turns out, the crackpot theories of an online writer/simpleton ended up being far more interesting than what actually ended up happening.
The episode started off with an amazing montage of the potential supremes studying their magicks as Stevie Nicks wandered around the mansion in all of her beautiful witchy glory, bleating Fleetwood Mac’s “Seven Wonders” (was the whole purpose of this season to make a Seven Wonders/”Seven Wonders” joke? I’m okay with that, I just want to know) before wishing the girls luck and drifting away into the sun. It was magical, campy and idiotic, sure, but it also embodied much of the silliness that makes me love AHS in the first place. After that, it was all downhill.
Since all of the villains are dead (or — in the case of Spalding — just not an issue anymore?), the young witches must turn on each other and attempt to perform the dangerous Seven Wonders in order to prove that they’re the next leader of the coven. Bad news for fans of Fleetwitch Mac — our beautiful swamp thing is the first to fail and immediately turns into a pile of dust. RIP FLEETWITCH. WE’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR TWIRL!
Soon it becomes a competition primarily between Madison and Zoe. Both venture into their personal hells — Madison’s is starring as Liesl in The Sound of Music, Live! (fair enough) and Zoe’s is having Kyle break up with her on an endless loop, which booooosnore who cares. Zoe will have to face her personal hell eventually — probably during the first Thanksgiving break after she returns from Witch University and Kyle comes back from Butler School. The reunion will be ruined when he tells her he wants to break up so that he can start getting some of that college strange, Zoe’s heart will break, but OH, WELL that’s life, not hell, and we’ve all been there.
Things turn from playful to painful during the transmutation round, which has Zoe, Madison and Queenie zipping around in a fun game of tag until Zoe ends up impaled on the spike of a wrought iron fence (and that’s why you don’t get to apparate without passing the test first). Uh, maybe that should have been her personal hell? Or not! Either way, it looks gross and leaves Zoe deader than a doornail.