So This Whisky Is Supposed to Taste Like Porn Stars

By Mark Shrayber  |  May 29, 2015 | 11:10pm
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Have you ever been drinking whisky and had the thought “man, this is gross and I bet it would be much better if it had been made by a beautiful woman and tasted like her, too?” Yes? Me too! That’s why Whisky by X is for us. It’s a new and exciting party liquor that is created and made by beautiful women for the men who love them (and whisky and also very confusing ad campaigns).

Bottles of Whisky by X, which come in “Tori Black” and “Joy Van Velsen” run around $130 per and are advertised as giving you access to the world’s best alcohol and also most desirable women. I don’t know what that means because I can’t imagine Tori Black is going to show up to your house and drink it with you, but David Covucci over at Bro Bible believes he’s got the answer:

Was it up in her snizz? Does each bottle get some sort of Maker’s Mark vaginal secretion style dripping on its cap?

Not an elegant conjecture, but a very likely one. Because each bottle is 12 years old, I can’t imagine that either of these actresses were around at the beginning of the process. In addition, I don’t know if I’d want “the world’s most coveted women” to be distilling and blending my whisky because they are likely not master distillers who know what they are doing.

Here’s a description of the drink:

Experience the perfect combination of premium quality whisky and the most coveted women. Not only will the quality of our whisky make your heart beat faster, the thought of the same whisky touching the body of the woman of your dreams will leave you speechless. Our striking bottle and iconic label will stand out across the world as a mark of our exclusive cooperation with top models from the industry. Discover the difference and order your favorite blend.

So it totally sounds like the stars just touched the bottle a little. I mean, cool? But I’m not paying $130 for a bottle that someone’s touched or for the horrible ad campaign. Can someone explain to me what is going on in these videos, because I am still very confused.

Just buy your whisky at Costco like the rest of us.

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