Last week, we put out a call for the best (worst) bad sex stories. And boy, did readers come through. In fact, the hundreds and hundreds of submissions we received make us want to retire our genitals forever.
What makes a bad sex story the worst sex story, particularly when you’ve received 900 submissions of them in a matter of hours? There is so much disappointing virginity loss, so many intrusive animals or parents, untold semi-public sex encounters foiled by police. There are many UTIs, though maybe only one involved orange squirting. Surprise anal probably could be its own anthology, as could “ejaculate in unexpected places.” (Eyes. Ears. Emitted from one’s nose mid-giggle.) So much of it is lubricated or utterly spoiled by alcohol.
But the below 10 stories managed to make even those sexual misadventures pale. When we vote later today, it will be a brutal choice among herculean feats of awful sex. But not as brutal as actually experiencing it.
1. The Unexpected Exclamation. While the man who wanted to be called Clifford the Big Red Dog — doggie style, get it? — during sex was a strong contender, as were the ladies staging their own sexual non sequitur contest, it was hard to beat this particular episode of dirty talk, experienced by commenter enidcoleslaw:
I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house… Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled “I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!” I, far too sober, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes: “your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters.” I fell asleep and woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said: “you can’t have any.” I walked home.
2. Bent Out Of Shape. There were many physical contortions and injuries that hurt to read about, but even for a lady, this one was most painful, from commenter Jeremy:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
