Well, well, well. Look who finally showed up to entertain us. And as long as we don’t compare this to any other season, I gotta say: this shit just got interesting. At the very least, it’s become marginally animated. Enough so that my roommate asked me why I was smiling as I watched (a smile laced with so much less malice than normal). What a question; why, indeed.
Was it the whole Drew-being-the-most-perfect-boy-ever thing? (I’m not saying he should win. I’m just saying he already won at life. Aside from the whole tragic upbringing and terrible family situation, duh.)
I suppose it’s a mystery….
But it’s also two weeks til Fantasy Suites so clearly it’s just about that and none of the other stuff we previously considered.
Now, numbers.
A million years: Time agreed upon by Zak and I to complete the following statement: “I never would’ve thought in ______ that Zak would be in the final four.”
3: Bowls Zak smoked before describing the ice-crystals-in-a-cup dream.
4: Words you wanna hear when you’re as high as Zak was = “Family snow cone business.”
1: Alternative song pitch = “Where’d he get his lunacy from? He got it from his mama.”
¾: Fraction of the table the party of five decided to take up.
At least 3: Times Zak was “completely naked” this season. Where are the unrated versions of these shows?
4: Bottles of wine Zak’s mom, Maryann, consumed before this meal.
1: Time I’ve seen Zak be this normal (when he’s with his mother) all season. Why isn’t this your thing instead??
2: Contestants on tonight’s episode of American Idol: Dallas.
2: Places the words of this song may have hit you. For those like Des, the heart. For those that are functional human beings, the vomit button.
1: Way to achieve nuanced symbolism = Give her a ring to symbolize how you want to give her a ring.
2: People who texted me during the Melissa scene to confess they were crying.
1: Of whom was my mother.
3: Magical words Drew’s waited to say to Des “in that order.” “You, I love,” sayeth the man to the lady poet.
EXTREMELY: How worried I was that Drew’s dad was using a “believe in angels” pick-up line.
2: Very nice things to tell someone = “I love you and thank you.” Especially if you’re really, really hot and super-duper perfect.
1: Town in Oregon that was named by Dr. Seuss = Mcminnville. Where the mcminns dwell.
1: Moves Des stole from Zak to use on Chris. Nice drawing, playagurl.
4: More toasts that Chris’s dad can deliver per minute than Des. “Here’s to the ones that I love, here’s to the ones that love me, here’s to the ones who love those that I love, and to those who love those who love me.” Here’s to toasts.
1: Sex Offender watch list I have to assume Chris’s dad has graced at one time or another.
300 million: Tabs of Prozac I have to assume Chris’s mom ingested before getting her most recent botox treatment. The face. The emotions. It’s like I see tears and I hear words and yet nothing moves.
1: Terrible stereotype Des embodies when she falls deepest for the only boy who doesn’t love her back.
1: Severe understatement used by Des to explain why Brooks can’t fall in love = “I am dating other guys.”
4: Men who hug Desiree at once in the family. Always a good sign.
2: Things those nametags should’ve said = Your name and how many sister-wives you have.
0: Opinions Brooks values more than his mother’s.
0: Siblings his mother likes more than him.
2: Unions Brooks can see happening with Des: 1) “The union of marriage.” 2) The union of their naughty bits in The Fantasy Suite.
GAH: The brother.
1: Time per TV season that Des can see her family members or else they explode.
MEEP: Why is her brother such a serial killer?
2: Ways to say it = “Ifs, ands, or buts.” OR “Ands, ifs, or buts!” Who knew!
1: Truly annunciated O in “poh-tential.”
2: Super bold guys, you guys.
2: Times Des says she “loves” Brooks this episode. WHY IS NO ONE MAKING A BIGGER DEAL ABOUT THIS.
30: Times you’d have to multiply normal-cheek-size by to get the circumference of Zak’s cheeks when he puffs them out. If one got bigger than the other, I’m fairly positive that he would topple.
1: New string section in the Bachelorette soundtrack upon Zak’s exit. Boohoo, says no one.
1: Potential play at the spot of the next Bachelor, made by one Mr. “Lonely Life” Zak. Don’t you dare, ABC. Those cheeks aren’t meant for multiple weeks.*
3: MORE TO GO. Keep fighting the good fight, people.
*Poetry. It rubs off.
Image via ABC.
