Happy last weekend before the election! I expect there to be a fair number of Gary Johnson supporters in the comment section in a few days! If not, you’re only lying to yourself!!!
We’ve all done stupid things when we were younger and less realized. For instance, during the first season of American Idol, I voted for Justin Guarini in the finals because he shares my birthday—Justin freakin’ Guarini—and Madeleine voted for Clay Aiken! Ellie sang in a chorus for a charity that turned out to be invented! Julianne was in a protest group “whose goal was to decentralize the male domination of mosh pits and make shows more fun!” Kate purposefully refused to like Good Charlotte just because they were cool (I mean, okay)! Anna voted for Jill Stein in 2012! Stassa was the Vice President of her high school’s Young Republicans club! (Though in her defense, she went to a Christian high school and there was no Young Democrats club.)
Before we hear about how you were Treasurer of your high school’s Future Homeopaths of America, let’s get to your best stories of pissing, shitting, and vomiting in public.
Tammster discovered a fool-proof self-defense:
I have no memory of this, my mother told the story at my grandfather’s wake to our assembled relatives as a ‘remember the time Tammster…’ story. Anyhow, apparently as a small child – toddler small – she used to take me a playgroup. There was an older child, although still smallish, who would regularly just walk up to the littler babies and push them over.
She tried to do it to me one time too many, and, in an instinctive reaction akin to a squid releasing ink, I peed on myself. This created a small moat around me that no one wanted to enter and I was left alone, as she retreated to pick on a less damp and mildly aromatic child. ‘Aha!’ my tiny toddler brain went, “I have discovered Pee Fu.” So whenever I saw this other child, I would widdle a protective circle around myself. (And no, my mother refused to be set back in toilet training me and so would not return to nappies). We got thrown out of playgroup. On the other hand I didn’t get pushed over again until I went to Primary school (and I didn’t pee myself either) so on the whole a win.
I did grow out of it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t pee a defensive circle around myself if I was in a bad situation. I’m just saying it’s not my go to response anymore.
(…I also got thrown out of Sunday School for being difficult. I was not a social child).
Stoncils accidentally tortured a pigeon:
Oh my god one time in freshman year I was in Harvard Square at 1 in the morning having just tried to stop the dam against drunkenness at Felipe’s and I really had to pee to I ran down into a loading dock and only discovered after I was done that I had accidentally soiled a pigeon.
It was flapping and soaked and from that day on I couldn’t tell if it was just digging the scene or if it was injured and I just fouled its death.
Mocena acted exactly as I would have in the same scenario:
I once ripped one at work that was so foul that the owner thought there was something wrong with the plumbing and called in plumbers to try to figure it out. They were there for hours, and I never had the heart to fess up. God, I was an idiot.
And though these are too long to paste into this blog, you should read about what Otherhand, redboots77, and Kender dealt with.
Okay, now let us know how you lobbied your college president to invest $10 million in a hemp farm.
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
