The Origins of the Wack Conspiracy Theory That Katy Perry Is Actually JonBenet Ramsey

There are a couple people in this unpredictable world of ours who believe JonBenet Ramsey’s 1996 death was faked, and that she grew up to be occasionally beloved superstar and current girlfriend of Legolas, Katy Perry. Though the video thought to be the origin of this implausible and offensive theory was uploaded to YouTube over a year ago, it was only recently discovered by news outlets and gossip blogs, which explains why you’ll probably be hearing about it today.

Widen your eyes from the confused squint they’ve just fallen into and breathe a sigh of relief, because this is a completely impossible theory, and—more importantly—one that only a handful of people actually believe. Its most cited proponent, a fellow who goes by Dave Johnson, is also responsible for videos about the Earth being flat, the Civil War resulting in no casualties, and Donald Trump and Joe Biden being the same person. This guy hasn’t just gone off the deep end, he’s built a home there. (Though I must admit I watched the entire Donald Trump/Joe Biden one because he used the 10,000 Maniacs cover of “Peace Train.”)

Despite the fact that Ramsey and Perry aren’t the same age, and even though Perry’s entire life (including the years that overlapped with Ramsey’s tragically short one) has been pretty well documented, Johnson is convinced they’re they same person—mostly because because their mothers and fathers look alike. (The fact that he recognizes the physical similarities between the two sets of parents and continues with the video is one of the more baffling parts of this whole thing.)

But he’s wrong, and so is a man named “Jungle Surfer” who claims Ramsey and Perry are the same person simply because their eyebrows are so similar. Revealing himself to be unfamiliar with biology, the beauty industry, and basic elements of grooming, he says, “They eyebrows don’t change much on a person. You’re born with your eyebrows.”

These guys need to lay off their obsessions with long-dead children, find some tweezers, and turn on Katy Perry the Movie: Part of Me. It’s a good movie! They won’t regret it.