This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer's White Supremacist Dick Strikes Again

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I make the weekly tabloids turn their head and cough. Today, John Mayer has a “sizzling” hookup with a Food Network star, Pink is pregnant and Kendra needs a shrink.

Ok!
“Finding Love Again.”
When Sandra Bullock went on a “romantic Caribbean rendez-vous in Anguilla in September, she allegedly vacationed with a “mystery man.” Who is he? No one knows. On other romance news, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are “getting serious.” The mag actually prints the phrase “they both love bling.” Apparently Kanye is “considered a part of the family.” And has been invited to a holiday dinner. The Kardashians think Yeezy is “smart and successful and a great influence on Kim.” Pictures of your junk on the internet > sex tape? In Teen Mom news, a licensed child care provider who has watched Farrah’s daughter has a lot of nasty things to say about Farrah. She complains about how long Farrah would leave Sophia in day care, and says that Sophia’s development is “worryingly slow.” Sophia would cry when put down and wasn’t walking, although other children her age were. Yes, this is what passes for gossip now.
Grade: F (genital fungus)

In Touch
“Baby No. 2 On The Way!”
Kendra Wilkinson is planning on having a baby next summer, and even then, we won’t care. But we can always count on her to have depressingly poor body image! She poses in a bikini in this issue and says: “I don’t think I am ready to hit the beach yet. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my body.” So you won’t go get undressed at a public beach but you will pose in swimsuit for all of the magazine’s readers to see? Okay. Also, she doesn’t like her boobs, and plans to take her implants out after she has another kid. Jessica Simpson wants to “beat” Nick Lachey to the altar. It’s her goal! She is not engaged, however. Ashlee Simpson is having an “identity crisis” because she cut her hair. Dr. Leslie Seppini, who does not treat Ashlee, says, “She’s probably suffering from insecurity and struggling to accept herself.” And: “These changes can be interpreted as concerns of being ‘found out’ — she could be thinking, ‘What if I’m not talented, and people find out?” This is interesting: Whitney from season one of 16 And Pregnant says she is so glad she is not on Teen Mom, because she loves her babydaddy and “the producers would get you to argue and say bad things about each other. They try to make drama.” She is now engaged, in school, and trying to get her nursing degree. Promising! Nicole from Season 2 of 16 And Pregnant and her boyfriend Tyler, who is a skateboarder, are also interviewed, but they don’t have such a happy story: She is trying to get her high school diploma while working 9-hour shifts at McDonald’s. Next: Gerard Butler lost 15 lbs. in two weeks. He’d beefed up to play a biker, but stopped eating six meals a day so he could slim down and play poet Robert Burns. Rihanna, 22, has a promise ring from 26-year-old Matt Kemp — she’s not ready to get married, but “she knows that Matt is her future husband.” Did you know that two of the Gosselin kids were expelled? Alexis and Collin have behavioral problems — they fought with their peers, called them nasty names and made fun of other kids. Finally: That dude Marilyn who used to date Gavin Rossdale did an interview with the mag and shared a lovely/intrusive picture of Gavin sleeping. (See image 7.)
Grade: F (anal fungus)

Life & Style
“Kardashian Split.”
Margaret claims this bullshit story “doesn’t make any sense.” Khloe came to visit Kourtney and Kim in New York, and wanted to go out, but then for some reason, Khloe said Kim was being a “selfish bitch.” Kim ran from the room crying and “realized that her sisters were no longer her best friends.” Whatever, YAWN, moving on. Ebony from season one of 16 And Pregnant is married to Josh, the father of her baby, who is in the Air Force. They’re happy and doing well. She says: “[Producers] kept pushing me to fight with him. It was just three days after I had given birth, and I was so emotional. And the producer just kept pushing and pushing me. And I finally just ran to my mother crying and told her I couldn’t do it anymore, and she kicked [the MTV crew] out of the house.” Meanwhile, Teen Mom‘s Amber has been involved with three dudes, and they’re all friends with each other. Shane Butt, whose name we find amusing because we are immature, is unemployed, but she slept with him and his friend Sam Jack, and made out with their other friend Jesse Austin, who is a landscaper. Why do all of these people have fake-sounding soap opera names? An “insider” says that at a party: “[Amber and Jesse] were dirty dancing. He was slapping her ass and grabbing her boobs, and the next thing you know,they were making out in front of everyone.” In other news, the mag talked to Texas college student Brian Payne, who says he saw Demi Levota do coke at a friend’s house party last December: “She was doing line after line like a pro — and she was 17 at the time.” Another insider says Demi has been “on a tear” lately; “she’ll chug booze right from the bottle.” Her parents put her in rehab because they overheard one of the dancers talking about Demi punching another girl and “freaked out.” “They heard Demi was drinking, but the news that her partying was getting out of control shocked them.” Next, a ridiculous story about Angelina starts thusly: “It’s every working mother’s worst fear: The kids start to love the nanny more than mommy.” An “insider” says “that nanny is very nurturing toward the kids, and Angelina doesn’t like that at all.” The subtext here is crystal clear: HOW DARE YOU DO THE JOB I AM PAYING YOU TO DO I AM GOING TO STEAL YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE I AM A PSYCHO PREDATOR. Last, but definitely not least, Zahid R. Chaudhary, assistant professor of English Literature at Princeton University, was asked to review three celebrity novels: Nicole Richie’s Priceless; Lauren Conrad’s Sugar And Spice, and Hilary Duff’s Elixir. Highlight: “What surprises me about Nicole’s prose is that it manages to be utterly lackluster even when describing subtle shades of makeup. To call this prose wooden would be an insult to trees.” Ouch! See more: image 8.
Grade: D- (mouth fungus)